Thursday, 17 May 2012

Walk the Line

The more time I spend baby-proofing the more I realize that it's like a black hole that never ends.  Each time I think I have a room secured the girl child finds new and interesting ways to show me she can "take things to the next level".  I've been dedicating about half an hour a day to baby-proofing yet my to-do list keeps growing.

When does baby-proofing cross the line into full blown paranoia?  I know I haven't reached that point yet, maybe by the time they reach high school?  Baby-proofing is not a replacement for watching your children, however I've come discover that it's generally what you need to give you that extra 3 seconds to prevent major bodily harm.*

Baby-Proofing is Disgusting-Proofing
Yesterday I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth while Jack took his bath and Molly crawled around the room beside me.  I looked down to see that Molly had pulled the toilet brush out from behind the toilet and was about to shove it into her mouth.  Luckily I snatched it out of her hands, but not without a disappointed shriek and crocodile tears as I secured the toilet brush on top of the high cabinet in the bathroom. When I tried to move the plunger I realized that it is too tall to fit into or on top of either bathroom cabinet.  I may have to secure it to a high part of the bathroom wall using one of those broom holder wall mounts.

Baby-Proofing is Murder-Proofing
Molly's disappointment didn't last long.  While I was securing the toilet brush on top of the cabinet Molly discovered that the wooden toilet paper holder is light enough for her to lift and swing around her brother's head in an attempt to bludgeon him while he bathes.**  It is now being stored on top of the toilet tank.
Sadly this cute duck bathtub faucet cover can't save Jack from his homicidal sister.

Baby-Proofing is Suicide-Proofing
I was so proud of cleverly measuring and securing the baby gates with my dad so that the 14 year old cat could still get up and down the stairs to his litter and his food while the children could not get under without a great deal of force and contortion.  Until last week when Molly played above me while I swept and mopped the stair below.  She turned herself around and tried to get under the baby gate, but she couldn't thanks to our handiwork.  Only I'm not sure what's worse: a child falling down the stairs or getting snared in the mouse-trap/noose we've created to "protect" her.

I know what you're thinking.  That baby could totally fit under there.  That would be the case if either of my children had remotely normal sized heads, but they don't.

Thankfully our little mouse has moved on to collecting litter and mud off the bottom of our shoes in addition to balls of cat hair pulled directly from Pan's belly.  We suspect she's building a nest.

Want Multiple Momstrosity updates on Facebook click here?

*Or take a picture of the different ways your child tries to kill themselves.
**Most parents get to spend their time worrying about the child who is physically in the bath rather than the maniac crawling around the floor.


  1. I believe baby-proofing falls in the realm of things that adhere to Zeno's Paradox: it is impossible to reach the end of it!

    And I suspected Molly would rapidly figure out she could send herself backwards under the baby gate...!

  2. You are hilarious! We would love to nominate your blog for our top 30 Toronto Mom Blogs. You can find more info. here:

    Pls. email me for more info.

    Many thanks,