We are the Lucky Ones

In my first trimester of pregnancy I never lied to anyone about being pregnant.  If asked by anyone close to me I answered honestly, not that many people asked, but when I suddenly stopped drinking and was sporting sea sickness bands people were a little bit suspicious.  The rule that I made in my head was that I would tell anyone (who asked) who I would be okay with talking to about a miscarriage.

Today is Infant Loss Remembrance Day. (http://www.october15th.com/)  I am very blessed that I have never had to experience miscarriage or lost a baby I can only imagine the sense of loss felt, especially now that I know what having children is like.

Chris and I found out that I was expecting a few days before Christmas in 2010.  We had barely begun trying, but I was a few days late and all of a sudden was unable to stomach my weekly Friday lunch treat of spicy tuna sushi.  Being the control freak that I am, I immediately threw out my half eaten lunch and marched down to the drug store in the underground below my office, purchased a home pregnancy test and took it in the washroom of my office building.*  I called Chris from the lobby of my building announcing my big news, that I was 1-2 weeks pregnant.  My husband didn't believe me and came home that night with 3 other pregnancy tests for me to take.  We sat together in the bathroom, me on the toilet, him on the edge of the bathtub in one of those stereotypical 1980's movie scenes as we examined the urine covered sticks of plastic.

We were thrilled and secretly spent the holidays with me drinking "vodka" and cranberry**, offering to be designated driver and smiling constantly about our secret.  On New Year's Eve I started to spot a little bit.  Two days later it hadn't stopped.  I called my nurse practitioner.  There was nothing we could do but have me rest and wait.  I was put on modified bed rest and told to be patient.  The spotting continued.  I was terrified.

One evening after days of waiting I sat on the edge of the bed crying.  I looked down at my belly and talked to my baby for the first time.  I told my baby, "You need to make up your mind little one.  You need to stay or go, I can't take the waiting any more."

A few days later the bleeding stopped.  We were still nervous as we waited for our first ultrasound, where we found out that I was having twins.  It turns out that some of the symptoms of having fraternal twins (the implantation of the second egg) can mimic early stages of a miscarriage.     

Jack and Molly 1 month old at a Spirit of the West show for the Dragon Boat Festival 2011

Every once in a while I think back to my conversation, the one that I had with the wrong baby, when  I thought I was talking to little Molly, unaware of the existence of Jack - my bonus baby and how lucky we are.  I thought I was going to lose everything and ended up with twice as much.  We also thought we were going to have an only child and ended up with the double coupon deal.

Today I am going to hug my babies and my husband extra hard.  In the constant chaos of life with 14 month old toddlers it's too easy to forget how lucky we really are.       








*On another floor than my office.  I didn't want to run into anyone I knew.  Although purchasing the test directly below my office building wasn't exactly my most stealth move. 
**In name only, skillfully mixed by Chris...soda and cranberry juice.