Boys Don't Cry

When we bought our house we mentally went over the future floor plan.  The middle upstairs bedroom was ear marked as a nursery/bedroom for the ONLY child we would have in a few years.*  When I found out I was expecting twins, the nursery automatically moved from the cute middle bedroom with the perfect nook for a single bed/crib to the larger room at the back of the house.  I knew right then and there that down the road I would eventually either lose my office to one of the minions or that we would have to move or renovate.

When we found out we were having girl/boy twins, we designed a gender neutral nursery with the theme: Nursery Rhymes and Storybooks.  We decorated it with artwork inspired by Jack and the Bean Stalk, The Princess and the Pea, Alice in Wonderland and The Princess Bride.  Since the nursery doesn't have a closet we opted for a series of dressers alongside an old IKEA armoire that previously encased a television that we converted into a children's wardrobe.  Only three items remain from the conversion of this room from spare room to nursery: the off white linen curtains**, the PEZ themed light switch cover and a giant "The Cure" poster situated behind the armoire promoting their 1979 Album Boys Don't Cry.  We debated moving it, but I was keen on the idea of  having a picture in a nursery that had the Motto - Boys Don't Cry embossed on it.

Not necessarily the most traditional nursery decoration

Two nights ago Jack woke up in the middle of the night freaking out and absolutely inconsolable.  It was Chris's night on-call, so after three attempts to get Jack back to sleep he ended up crashing out on the couch downstairs with Jack in his arms.  The only person who managed to sleep through the 90 minute ordeal was Molly.

The next morning Chris and I were talking about why Jack was up and what was bothering him.  Chris mentioned that he kept on talking about the closet and that he explained to Jack that there was no closet in his room.  As the day progressed I thought more and more about Jack's issue - I was convinced that it had to be the poster.  I called Chris and asked him if Jack had mentioned anything about the poster.  "Yes, he kept on asking about the man" and explained to him that the man was Robert Smith and he is a singer from England.  Chris had previously told me that he was terrified of some movie posters (ET and Star Wars) he had in his room at night (during the day they were fine) as a child, so we really should have clued in sooner, but didn't and I'm going to blame it on being sleep deprived.

When we returned from work that evening I asked Jack about the poster.  He informed me that he did not like it.  So when I asked him if he wanted us to take it down, he said yes. We removed Robert from the wall that evening.  Jackie was happy that "the bad man*** with the eyes is gone."   Molly was indifferent and couldn't care less and even asked to visit the man in his new home.  The next day Jack told me that, "The man that lives in the picture is happy now."

I am now sharing my office with Robert Smith.  It was bound to happen sooner or later.

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*Guess that was never in the cards, not that I'd change a thing.
**I am currently looking for new, darker curtains in hope that it will make for a more suitable nap environment and am welcoming suggestions.
***Or Batman, he doesn't always enunciate is words.

You Ought to be in Pictures

In the mornings, when we're trying to get everyone out the door, lately Jack has been a wreck.  He's been non-communicative, indecisive, emotional and inconsolable.*  During a particularly rough meltdown Jack turned bright red and wouldn't stop crying no matter what I tried.  As he stood there in his crib, refusing to let me any where near him or telling me what was wrong, I was reminded of the toddler character Toby from the movie Labyrinth with his incessant crying.   Toby's non-stop crying drove his petulant, whiny half sister Sarah to wish that the goblins just take him away.  Fortunately David Bowie and his cod piece have not made an appearance in our nursery, yet.

This is Toby from Labyrinth, not Jack.

I began to think about other moments I've experienced, in frustration, as a parent and how they've been reflected throughout fiction and the media.  The only other display of the sheer frustration of parenthood that came to mind was the infamous scene in Alice in Wonderland where Alice stands helplessly while the crying baby turns into a pig: this scene embodies every little girl feeling of helplessness that I felt during the months of colic with Molly.

When I asked Chris why he thought there was a pointed absence of crying babies from fiction or media his answer was simple, "Because it's annoying." Fair point (see above plea to Jareth the Goblin King).  No wonder parents feel like failures: we are constantly surrounded by near perfect TV or movie babies who act like accessories.

Below are 8 ways popular culture has lied to me about being a parent:

1. Maggie Simpson: She's quiet, undemanding and she's capable of leading an uprising army of babies.  None of the above are true of my children, except for maybe the third one.
2. John Cusakesque "babies are great epiphany moments": I have yet to meet a real life male species who has one of these legendary male kicks to their figurative biological clocks with children that don't even belong to them.
3. Commercials for Pull up diapers:  Any potty training parent knows that there a lot more instances of said child peeing on the floor or all over your suit jacket right before a meeting than there are of high fives and giggles.
4. The Silent Toddler Boy Twins: How undetectable the toddler twin boys are in the early seasons of Everybody Loves Raymond should be frightening to any parent.  Although having twin toddler boys may be somewhat of an explanation why the character of Deborah is such a giant B.**
5. Celebrity mom's on Magazines: I get it you're beautiful when you're pregnant and during your post-partem reveal: I'm talking about you Kate Middleton with your toned abs and down to earth vacations while you dote on baby George.  
6. Do you remember Rachel and Ross's daughter Emma on Friends?:  Me neither because she appears, barely, in only 21 episodes of the possible 45 since her birth, usually silently, the only reason she ever causes a ruckus is because Rachel chooses a Manny (male nanny).  I literally had to look up her name.  
7. Don't get me started on Ross's son Ben:  That poor bugger only gets 16 episodes over 10 seasons. 
8. There are a lot of unbelievable things about Breaking Bad:  Chris gets particularly miffed over Skylar's ability to get in a full day's work at the office bookkeeping with her infant daughter at her side.  Lesson learned, Who needs daycare anyway?  If your boss complains, just sleep with him?

 That being said if all we saw were babies turning into swine or screaming Toby, maybe we wouldn't have children in the first place.

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*Pretty much like his dad in the morning.
**She knew what she was getting into when she married into the family.  You can't tell me that Doris Roberts sat silently in the corner during the courtship stage of their fictional relationship.