Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Disciplining children is tricky, it's a controversial topic with no one size fits all answers. For the past month it seems that Chris and I have been victims to Jack's ongoing Karate Kid montage.  He has been hitting and kicking like crazy and despite our best efforts it hasn't seemed to have let up on its own.  Our focus on Jack and speech therapy continues to help him better express his feelings, but that doesn't provide much solace when you've been hit three times because you've insisted that, "No, you can't have Halloween candy for breakfast today."  After a recent assessment at Toronto Pre-School Speech and Language the assessor commented, "I don't know if he has delays, or if he's just being stubborn.  This isn't going to be a very accurate assessment." This commentary highlights one of our main struggles with Jack as we question, "Is he struggling with language or just being a jerk."  Truthfully the jerk genetics in my family are super dominant, ask anyone.

Our Billy Goat "Gruff"

One of the items that stands tried and true when it comes to children is the importance of consistency. The big stumbling block that we hit (pun intended) is that Jack's karate kid moments often happen when we don't have the time to properly apply positive discipline.    When we are trying to get four people out the door at 7:30 in the morning, we simply don't have time for lengthy solutions.  I am fully aware that you don't use a band-aid on a gaping wound, but sometimes I need ideas that can help us keep somewhat on schedule until we hit an incident where we have some time for teachable moments.  Most of the time I don't need 20 minute solutions, I need 10 two minute ones.  It took some digging but here's what I've found.

How to Assert Positive Discipline in Two minutes or Less

1. Consider triggers and time of the day and avoid the trigger as much as you can - AKA Polly Wants a Cracker
   This one is easy when it comes to a hungry child.  My purse and our car has become a travelling buffet and about half the time we just need to get crackers into the mouth of Jack to calm him down.  Bed time can be adjusted if you're dealing with an over-tired child.   The big Everest here is dealing with morning meltdowns.
2. Stop the Blow, But Don't Retaliate 
   Basically block the hit, reinforce (as calmly as you can) that we don't hit and walk away for a minute or two.  In the mornings I generally use this time to get Molly ready because it gives Jack a chance to settle down a bit.
3. Model Good Behaviour
   This one goes against every fibre of my being when I'm trying to get out the door and have just endured an upper cut to the jaw over insisting that my child wear socks.  We noticed a while ago that Jack often goes for affection after he's hit or kicked one of us and clearly he's struggling with getting positive attention and communicating what he needs.  Try saying "Hugs not hits", give a hug and then walk away.
   
   
   
4. Redirection & Distraction
   Basically avoid eye contact, remove them from the situation  and let them calm down.   Another option is to offer them something to distract them.  "Look at this book while I go get you some apple juice, because you must be thirsty".  Leaving the room to focus on another task for a minute not only works on them, but it will help you chill out too.
5. Time-Outs
   We usually don't have time for them in the morning (or more than one or two), but they're still an option.  Dr. Sears suggests saying, "If you hit, you must sit."  Since toddlers (especially mine) are big fans of rhymes, this will help them remember.
6. Don't Demand an Apology
   This is another one that is tough for me.  I want him to be sorry and I want an apology, but when you're both frustrated all that this does is waste even more time.  It's suggested to delay this conversation, "Later you might tell your child, "That really hurts" or "That hurts my feelings. If I have done something to hurt your feelings, I would like to know about it so I can apologize. When you are ready, an apology would help me feel better." suggests Dr. Jane Nelson.
7. Tag, You're It
   Sometimes when we really need to get moving it's best to have the other person tag in - if/when you can.  If they're not "mad at daddy" they're more likely to let him help them into their coat.  This also gives the other parent a chance to calm down.
8. A Cool Drink of Water
   When the tantrum is over, offer a drink of water or a face wash.  If you're still heated have one yourself.  This will literally give your child a chance to cool down. (resist the urge to throw said water in their face and yell, "Snap out of it")
9. Encourage Gentle Play 
   This is more modelling.  If you notice little Billy is beating the crap out of Teddy Ruxpin, suggest he hug him or give him a kiss instead.
10. Counting Game
    Count backwards from ten and remember this too shall pass, and likely be replaced by a different, equally annoying behaviour.  

What works best for you to stop unwanted behaviour from your toddler or pre-schooler?

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Once Bitten Twice Shy

Last week daycare had to have "the talk" with us.  We were on the other side (the bad parent side..womp, womp) of those infamous incident reports because the boy has been biting, and pinching, and hitting, and clawing his classmates.  We asked for suggestions, and were told 1) Talk to him about it and explain why it's probably not the best idea to play slap face, bite face, or fingernail face with other children and 2) redirection.  At home he gets a three to four minute shift in the penalty box for unnecessary roughness along with a stern lecture- at daycare they don't play by hockey rules, apparently.  They also said that there isn't much you can do at this age because he's still so young that he doesn't fully understand.

This weekend he bit his oldest cousin.  Yesterday morning at daycare drop off he ran into the playhouse and immediately smacked a little girl right in the face.  Her older sister yelled, "Don't hit my sister!" and belted him back.  It was glorious.  Chris and I not so secretly cheered her on, because we're big fans of playground vigilante justice.  Then at pick-up last night  I found out that he bit and scratched his ECE worker.*  They asked me to trim his nails.  I'm beginning to feel like a giant A-hole every time I drop off and pick-up the minions.  I'm scanning the room to investigate whether or not Cujo has attacked that day and caging bets on who his next victim will be.**

Cujo Sr. & Jr. Together Again

When I was a child my brother was a biter.  He would sink his teeth into my sister and I like we were a steak dinner.  Being ten and five we knew that you shouldn't bite your little brother, even when he was being an ankle biting jerk.  Family legend has it that one afternoon my mother was talking to a friend about the problems she was having with my brother Cujo Sr. and the friend explained how her children had stopped their younger sibling from biting by taking an arm each and biting back the biter back really hard to "Learn Em, Real Good".***  Apparently that kid stopped biting.  So, my sister and I took notes that day and the next time our little brother bit us we rolled up his sleeves and bit him as hard as we could.  My mother discovered this tooth mark surprise at the doctor the following day while Cujo Sr. was getting his shots.

I am a little embarrassed to admit that I have tried biting him back (lightly) and saying, "See it hurts".  Unfortunately he thinks it's hysterical and I'm not willing to take the game to the next level.  Molly isn't old enough to do the job for me, so I've written a job ad for what I need.

Does anyone know any four-five year olds, who take instruction well who will want to bite my son and teach him an important lesson, preferably without scarring him for life (physically and emotionally)?****  Alternately I could employ my brother for a whole cycle of life themed lesson regimen.  Maybe I can further entice him if I play The Circle of Life on loop while he's babysitting.

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*Way to directly bite the hand that feeds you buddy.
**Likely whoever is playing with the train set.
***I am fairly certain that none of my mother's friends are Larry the Cable Guy, but I'm going to run with it.
****I fear that children under four won't take instruction well and those over five may be missing teeth which will rob Jack of the true biting experience.

Rain on the Scarecrow

The minions, specifically the boy child, are into everything.  Thankfully Molly understands No and will generally obey even if it is combined with her crawling towards you with her eyes filled with tears of frustration, but will settle down after a short cuddle and praise for listening.  Jack is another story.  He pretends he doesn't hear you, even though it's obvious that he does as he looks around to see if you're coming to take him away from fun.

There are three main zones that we constantly need to be guarding:

Chris's Turntable

Apparently our son fancies himself a DJ.  Only less like DJ Jazzy Jeff and more like if Gwar had a DJ.*  Jack will make monster noises, turn on the record player, pounce on the record and eat the white record sleeve.  Then he'll fall down, Get back up, scratch the record, adjust all volume knobs and beat his sister with the cardboard album cover. When I tell him no and take him away, he'll cry, make a monster noise, or go right back and growl, "YEAHHHH!"

Cords and Plugs 

This kid is unstoppable, if there is a cord to be found** he will pull at it and yank it as hard as he can.  Molly removed the carbon monoxide alarm once***.  Jack removes it at least 2 or 3 times a week and has a full screaming melt down as the alarm goes off.  He'll attack standing lamps, knocked over our standing fan while we were folding laundry the other night and is generally (alarm aside) quite pleased by his reign of chaos.

Drawers  

Both minions discovered their passion for drawers in May when we went to BC to visit their Great Grandmother C.  In our bedroom we have a large dresser with several handles that make wonderful baby music when you clink them constantly like tiny accessible door knockers.  These are not the drawers that cause us issue and pain.  The kitchen ones are, and I haven't found out a great way to baby proof them yet. Hopefully a trip to Home Depot should solve the fact that Jack is pulling himself up using the drawer handles and then smacking himself in the face with the drawer and knocking himself onto the ground.

My problem is that once I baby proof these things, he'll find something else to terrorize and then something else, and something else - until our house is just one giant rubber room with no electricity or storage space.  Which is why I immediately thought about baby scarecrows.  I need to find some sort of baby deterrent to scare them, specifically Jack, away from trouble.  Redirection doesn't seem to be working.  Does anyone remember those hiding stuffed children that people used (in the 1990s) to decorate their country kitchens?  Apparently they're called Pouty Time Out Dolls and they still exist.  They scare me and would keep me out of the drawers, but sadly I believe they'd do nothing to stop Jack.  They're the My Buddy companion to the naughty chair.  Jack you were bad, now you have to hang out with the baby without a face for 5 minutes, have fun - Sucker. Unfortunately he'd probably just beat it senseless with a record cover like it was his sister.

Image courtesy of http://www.janespoutytimeoutdolls.com - you can also buy these dolls here if you would like them for your time-outs or country kitchens.

A Jack specific scare crow would involve loud noises, getting trapped in a confined space and would force feed him homo milk.  A Molly specific scare crow would pretend to pick her up and then laugh and say, "Just joking" and pick up and cuddle her brother instead.  I'm pretty confident that all child deterring scare crows would involve at least some level of child abuse.

The baby scare crow reminds me of a few years ago when a group of us began to discuss things that we hated and what would make up our own personal hell(s)**** while we tried to see how well we knew each other.   Okay maybe it's not exactly hell, it's just somewhere really annoying that encompasses your strong dislikes, some fears and pet peeves, I'm not going to lie - likely there was some alcohol consumed prior to these conversations.  Either way I'm pretty sure that creating a doll that embodies everything your child dislikes or is scared of isn't good parenting.  Funny parenting, mean parenting, but not good parenting.

*If you don't know who Gwar is, #1 I'm really disappointed because they are awesome, in theory.  I can't say I've ever really listened to Gwar, but I like the idea that they exist, and I can't believe they are still together almost 25 years later. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gwar

**In Jack's mind our cat's tail counts as a cord.

***And it scared her so much that she pooed her pants, cried and never touched it again.
****Chris's personal hell involves being in a cold room where he is force fed fried mushrooms off of a wooden spoon by the artist currently known as Prince while he soothes him by singing raspberry beret and pokes him in the belly button.   Mine involves snakes, Jon Favreau, biting wool or cotton balls, wearing leotards that fall down and having to spend time with a specific ex boyfriend who slightly resembles Jon Favreau. Shudder.