Stepping Stone

I have added a new cuss word to my vocabulary.  It's called Sleep Transgression and it is a dirty #$%*, albeit a necessary evil in child development.  One of the worst things about the "blessing" of twins is that they wake each other up and often teeth and sleep transgress in tandem rather than at the same time.

Sleep regression is changes in a child's pattern of sleep to accommodate changes as they grow (physically) and reach important cognitive and developmental milestones. In theory this is great. In reality it means that we're in for some rough nights, especially when you add in teething, ACBBM (awakening caused by bowel movement) or the wild card of daycare related illness.*  Other side effects for sleep transgression include poor napping and general crankiness and clinginess.

The other day as I left for a baby shower, thankfully during the hours when the minions nap - so I didn't have to bring them with me, Chris called out, "I won't blame you if you never come back!"  It's hard to be a cheerleader for parenting when your team is getting their butts handed to them.**

The night time crying has gotten so bad that my super mom spider senses are failing me  and I'm sleeping through baby crying, only awakening to Chris's nudge and instructions of "It's your turn", every other time someone is screaming.

Generally this type of issue goes away on its own within a few weeks, however we're about to hit daylight savings time in just over 2 weeks and this seems like the recipe for the perfect storm.

When I hit the Googles I found that sleep transgression can happen any time, but most commonly, month 1, 3, 6, 12, 18 and 24....so basically it comes in threes.***  Which doesn't explain the 14 month transgression, but I'm holding onto it tight hoping to get to witness some toddler power-walking or Shakespearean sonnets spoken any day now.

What me cause trouble?  I'm just hanging with my homeys." Miss Molly

The key difference between sleep transgression and bad baby habits is timing.  Sleep transgression lasts from 1-3 weeks and can be caused by: teething, growth spurts, development and illness.

Here are some other suggestions:

Teething
Go and pour yourself some whiskey or red wine. Drink it.****  Give your screaming munchkin some baby pain reliever and a teething ring from the freezer.  Insert ear plugs.

Growth Spurts
Stuff your baby senseless in the evening with heavy items such as meats, Greek yogurt and copious amounts of apple sauce.  Be prepared for them to awaken you in the middle of the night with a load full.  Change them, turn on sound machine.

Unfortunately the only real solutions I found on line were time, patience, and a little love and tenderness, so unless you have a time machine, you may be in for some rough evenings.  Cheers!


*Molly still has this terrible old man cough, residual from her "slapped cheek" disease that I like to refer to as her kennel cough. 
**Insert name of Toronto based sports team here.
***Like curses and wishes on that monkey paw you bought at that yard sale.
****I bet you thought I was going to tell you to rub it on their gums.  Why are you going share your booze with them?  They're the jerks who are keeping you up at night.

Zombie Zoo

Since I have been back at work (16 business days) Miss Molly has been banished* from daycare for 4.5 days....and counting.  Last week it was a combination of teething along with what our nurse practitioner says is called Slapped Cheek Disease.  Basically this is a virus (aka fifths disease) that starts off like a fevered cold and ends in a rash that looks like someone took a round out of you. In Molly's case, a serious slap to her right cheek and then her chest and back.  Once there is the onset of the rash it is very unlikely that the child is contagious.

What no one told me about Slapped Cheek Disease is that once the infected child begins to feel better, i.e. no longer fevered and lethargic they begin to take on Apocalyptic Zombie Infection levels of rage, strength and sound.  The entire weekend was filled with insistence on the Kangaroo treatment**, temper tantrums, crying, tears, screaming, then finally into the crib for a time out - only to recycle the above...endlessly with increasing venom each rotation of the cycle.

This is a wind up Zombie...when he walks he poops candy.  He is the Zombie that keeps on giving.

Last night we had a debate on whether or not daycare could send Molly home for being generally unpleasant, difficult and round the bend enraged.  We figure that until she can get herself so worked up that she runs a fever or gives herself a rage rash (I'm pretty sure that isn't a real thing) they can't call us to come get her.  Daycare called me last week to get input on techniques I use to calm down the wrath contained within the 19lb confines of the girl child.***

I seriously worry about Molly and her rogue personality, especially as someone who was thrown out of nursery school for her refusal to eat cabbage, toilet train and constant screaming.  One staff at the nursery school actually quit because of me.  I imagine that was the breaking point that lead to their decision to throw me out. I often thought my mother was lying about my expulsion, until 13 years later when I ran into the employee who quit because of me.  She was a nanny for a family that I babysat for and she recognized me instantly, confronting me about my pants soiling, blood curdling screaming, and theatrical ways.  I didn't have any satisfactory answers for her.  She pretended to be over it - but she wasn't.  This woman surely had other problems becoming unhinged because of a toddler, right?****    I fear that the acorn doesn't fall far from the the old oak tree when it comes to Miss Molly and me.

The worst thing about Slapped Cheek is that it has an incubation period of 4-21 days.  Which essentially means that Jack is a ticking time-bomb.  And the worst part is, much like a zombie, he's the one who bites.




*"But purgatory, torture, hell itself.  Hence-banished is banish'd from the world.  And the world's exhile is death: then banished, is death mis-termed: calling death banishement, Thou cuttest my head off with a golden axe, and smilest upon the stroke that murders me."  In non-Shakespearean terms, she was sent to Nana and Grampa's where she tortured their dog, ate digestive cookies and napped. 
**Being secured to myself or her dad constantly, like a baby Joey.
***Can I claim to be an expert in child-rearing now because even people with extensive training in early childhood education need my input on taming the beast?
**** Says the woman who spent better parts of this past weekend and the months surrounding colic on the brink of dementia because of her girl child.