Dangerous

When I was pregnant my parents bought me Adam Mansbach's book, Go the F@$k to Sleep, complete with the audio oration by Samuel L. Jackson. (http://www.stott.nl/wp-content/uploads/Go_To_Sleep.pdf)   It has been entertaining and on particularly rough days I have read this bed time story to Molly and Jack, much to Chris's disapproval.*  For the most part the minions are good sleepers, so I don't really relate to this book yet, but from what I know of toddlers and young children this book will grow nearer and dearer to my heart as time goes by.

A good friend of mine - The Granken**, as of late, has had a lot of exposure to a toddler/preschooler and a while back she proposed writing a book in a similar vain to Mansbach's.  Only hers would be entitled, Why are you Crying?.The sequel, I'll Give You Something to Cry About.  But excessive crying isn't my issue either, right now.

The main concern since the minions have been more mobile and independent is how dangerous they are to themselves and each other.  My friend E sent me this article that highlights a display showing how much children like to eat and shove random items up their noses.  The headers of "Foreign Bodies from Air Passages" and "Foreign Bodies from Food Passages"*** really drive home the main message behind my proposed children's book, Why Do You Want to Die?

Minions using the Exersaucer in a way that I would imagine manufacturers would deem unsafe.

The book will highlight some sort of adjustment we've made to make life healthier and safer for our children:
-Not drinking during pregnancy.
-Purreeing food into unchokable consistencies.
-Locking up and storing anything potentially poisonous really high - I am 5 foot 1 people - this is hardly convenient.

Then mention a reason life is awesome as an infant/toddler:
-You get to play all day.
-You can sleep whenever you want to.
-Mom keeps a giant restaurant that's open 24-7 in the car, in the kitchen, in the bottom of  her purse, and will feed you on demand, just to keep you happy.


Followed by a but statement:
-But then you eat three dimes off of the floor.****
-But then you decided to shove your face into the cats water dish to see if you could breathe underwater.
-But then you try to brain yourself on the corner of the coffee table.
-But then you get so angry that you kick off your pants and try to strangle yourself with them, Jack.

And finally:
So, Why do you want to die?

At first I was thinking that the audio book should be read in a somewhat creepily aggressive voice, by a Vincent Price type, that guy from the TV show 1000 Ways to Die or perhaps Christopher Walken, but then maybe it would be better to get a soft kind voice to read the story like Betty White.  Or perhaps sweet, with a slight undertone of evil found in the voice of Winnie the Pooh  I'm taking suggestions.

*I am not the one who's car swearing begat Molly's ability to yell dicdicdic over and over and over again so I will continue to read Go the F to Sleep to the children as I please.
**No, that's not some sort of identity protecting alias, it's actually what she calls herself and has requested that the minions call her once they can utter words beyond yelling dicdicdic at the top of their lungs.
***http://www.thestar.com/news/article/1125015--kids-love-to-put-things-in-their-noses-ears-and-other-spots
****I recognize that there shouldn't be dimes on the floor anyway, but my pockets, purse and clumsy nature make it seem as if the floor has won some sort of slot machine jackpot on a regular basis.