Thursday, 12 July 2012

Product Recall

I have one question for the designers who think it's a good idea to offer clothes for children who crawl in white or muted pastel colours: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  Do you have a contract with a laundry detergent, floor cleaner, duster, vacuum or specialty mop company that no one outside of the industry knows about?  Every morning when I set the minions down on the floor to play it's like some sort of CSI test as to how dirty my floor is.  I have never spent so much time sweeping, Swiffering, vacuuming or mopping my floors yet have never been so very painfully aware exactly how disgusting they are.

It's like when you were a kid (in the 1980's) and an expert on dentistry came in to teach the benefits of brushing your teeth properly.  They took two volunteers and got one of them to half ass brush their teeth and the other one to do a really good job.  They then gave each kid this weird red tablet* that turns red where ever the kid missed and did a crummy job brushing their teeth.  My floors are like that poor kid who's stuck with red teeth all afternoon, only topped with the shame of an adult who must clean the disgusting off of their kids clothes at the end of the day.

This in combination with the fact that both babies treat the small plates where we put the cat's wet food down on the floor like props at a Greek wedding** and that my disgusting floor doubles as the cheapest and most dangerous all you can eat buffet in town is driving me insane.

However, I have developed two solutions for both of my problems.  Unfortunately Chris says that both of my solutions border on child abuse.***

Solution 1 - Baby Swiffer Suit- No patent pending
Sadly I wasn't the first one with this idea -  However, I really think it's time that the minions stopped slacking and started contributing to our household with chores.  The Swiffer Suit would be especially helpful for Jack who drags his entire body along the floor like he's been injured by a grenade in a bad war movie.

Solution 2 - The Cone of Shame - patent pending...
We purchased "The Cone of Shame" (as named by the clerk at the pet store) after our cat had a nervous breakdown because I was pregnant.  Essentially it freaked him out and he started obsessively licking and tearing off his hair to the point of needing antibiotics and earned himself the nickname Rogaine.****  Thankfully the instant the minions arrived Pan went back to his normal self and has been fantastic with the kids, even though they try to rip off his tail daily.  Why let that cone go to waste when it can prevent my children from eating disgusting things on the floor?  I thought it was a good idea, although it probably is child abuse, probably....but it might save a life some day...I'm just saying.

 Mad Monkey, you wouldn't be in the cone of shame if you hadn't of pulled magnets off the fridge and tried to swallow them whole.
Valentine Bear, you unplugged the floor lamp and then tried to lick and bite the prongs on the plug...Cone of Shamed!

No children were harmed in the production of this blog entry.

*Like in The Matrix.
**OPA!  Seriously dude I have 4 side plates left and they never break the dollar store ones.  And my old cat refuses to jump up onto tables and counters to eat, unless it's your food, not his.
***He has also insisted that if I have to call him or any of our friends to ask if something is child abuse than it probably is and I should stop immediately, no matter how funny I think it is.  Almost 9 years and I still don't think he quite knows whether or not I'm joking about some of my diabolical plans.
****I wish I was joking about this, but sadly I am not.  We spent nearly $400 on medication for issues that had to do with high intelligence and low self esteem in a cat who kept on peeing on me in bed because he was so angry at me for being pregnant.  Cat urine is terrible for pregnant women, so we had to further isolate a cat who was already quite depressed.

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