Tuesday, 10 July 2012

Spirit in the Sky

Today I worked on the most grown up thing I think I've ever done.*  I wrote filled in an online will that Chris had purchased for me using a WagJag coupon.**  For the most part it wasn't nearly as sad and depressing as I thought it would be.  It's just paperwork once you get over the idea that it's paperwork about you dying.

I have been planning the songs that will be played at my funeral for years now, even though I think this offends Chris as a music and Sarabeth lover.  It's likely a little distracting and annoying when I yell, "I want this song played at my funeral" every time Spirit in the Sky gets radio play.  I have even considered pressing my ashes into an LP featuring a few of my funeral tunes if I want. (http://www.andvinyly.com/)  But none of that seems real until you put pen to paper and make things official.

We talked about the making of the will and approached Molly and Jack's guardian while I was still pregnant and worked out most of the details together verbally before I entered the coupon voucher online.  There was only section of the will that we both had a difficult time with.  If we both die before Molly and Jack grow up, how long do we keep their inheritance in trust?  I know that I made (and nearly made) a lot of stupid decisions in my late teens and in early adulthood.  Add two dead parents and a sizable inheritance*** into the mix and you have a recipe for disaster.

This is me, New Year's Day (not New Year's Eve - this is the day after) when I was 20, Do you trust this person?  Cause I sure don't.  She makes terrible decisions!

Inheritance at 18
Jack purchases a giant blue van with a mural of a mermaid on the side of it.  He decides to drop out of university with nothing but a packet of seeds to grow pot and a road map taking him to Penticton British Columbia.  He returns just six months later with no money and thirty days that have been wiped from his memory.

Inheritance at 19
Molly decides to get a giant tramp stamp tattoo with her boyfriend's name on it and an anklet tattoo that will prevent her from ever wearing cute sandals with skirts or dresses to work on casual Friday when she gets older.  5 years later, when she and her high school sweetheart break up, she has to change her stamp to say something random like, "Dairy Queen Forever".

Inheritance at 20
Jack develops a gambling addiction because he thinks it's romantic in a beatnik Charles Bukowski kind of way.

Inheritance at 21
Molly decides to marry the boy from the tramp stamp and plans an elaborate and expensive first wedding.****

I don't think I need to go any further, because you get the picture.  We finally decided on 25, but explained to their guardian that they could release money, for things like education, a down payment on sensible place etc. and even suggested that our guardian insist that our children write up a business proposal before requesting any money before the age of 25 and yell things like, "No Deal" or "You're Fired" and other outdated pop culture references that Molly and Jack won't understand.

I know there is no magic age that will prevent you from making stupid choices, that's life, but we can still try to be good parents and protect the minions, even if it's from beyond the grave.  How grown-up is that?

*I don't consider the sheer act of having kids being an event that has indoctrinated me into the land of the grown-ups.  I've seen Teen Mom a few times. Being a good mom, maybe.
**My father wanted to get us a will as a gift for the birth of the minions, but my mom wouldn't let him.  We joked that the card would read, Congratulations on the birth of your children. You're going to die. Love Dad.
***I'm not saying that there is really a lot to inherit, I'm just assuming that if we're both dead before the children are adults that there was an accident with a considerable cash settlement.  Also when you're 18 years old 5K is a lot of money.
****That's right Molly, it's not going to last and I'm predicting this from beyond the grave...scary ghost noise, scary ghost noise.


  1. Wait...I see nothing wrong with Jack's age 18 choice...

  2. Except for how much fuel a van would use when driving across the country...maybe if he'd sprung for the Prius his trip wouldn't have gone so awry.