Molly's Lips

You know that it's going to be a great week when you spend your coffee break Googling "how to get rid of vomit smell".*  Molly has treated us with a three night performance of Vomit in the Nursery, followed by a third night duet (with her brother) of tandem partnered screaming in shifts of 45 minutes for four and a half hours. Molly is at the tale end of a cold and when she gets congested at night she has a coughing fit that ends up in maximus vomituos eruptous, usually around the time that Chris and I are getting ready to go to bed, this paired with a new addition of duelling diarrhea.   So not only do you have to pretend not to be grossed out by your puke/feces covered toddler, you need to calm them down, get them rinsed off and changed while the other person strips the sheets, Lysol everything and begins yet another run of laundry for the evening - all of this with the fact that you're trying not to wake the other child** and that you know that in two hours a ravenous child will wake you up with their post heave hunger pangs/ the next time they crap their pants.

This Exorcist behaviour makes me think about something I read in Christopher Shulgan's memoir Super Dad: A Memoir of Rebellion, Drugs and Fatherhood - When you have young children and are sleep deprived, never watch movies that contain evil or possessed children.  The problem is, I don't need a refresher course on the horror movies or pop culture references that remind me of my children, particularly at 4AM when I'm bleary eyed and slowly rocking Molly in our living room rocking chair while singing my fourth loop of Nirvana's Molly's Lips to try to keep her quiet.  So what do you do when you're up in the middle of the night with your children trying to will them to sleep using the force?  I created my own urban parent crisis dictionary to bring some humour to our random calls onto the night shift, notice the horror movie theme.

The Exorcist
Famous for: projectile vomiting pea soup

Infamous in my house for Molly's touchy stomach and the sheer volume of bile 22lbs of toddler is able to produce.

Photo Courtesy of: Paul Gorman

Dark (Evil) Willow
In Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Joss Wheadon) Willow would turn evil from time to time and become Dark Willow.  Dark willow was known for saying things like, "Bored Now." followed by doing something, well violent and evil.

Molly's two newest words or phrases are "Mine." and "Taking it." Things that she'll often say just moments before stealing a toy from Jack and then beating him with it.

The CHUD
Acronym means: Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller or Contamination Hazard Urban Disposal - from 1984 Comedy Horror Movie.

Basically any time Jack is teething he is The CHUD, last night both children had "The CHUDS"

King Kong Butt (AKA Baboon Butt)
Often a result of "The CHUDS".  This may cause screams of sheer pain, require an insane amount of zinc cream, corn starch baby powder or have toddlers throwing large wooden barrels at you.***

Photo Courtesy of: Iain Farrell

The Toxic Avenger
Another 1984 movie where the hero has fallen into a vat of toxic waste.

As parents of infants and toddlers we are all Toxic Avengers, especially when "The Chud" or "The Chuds" come to town.

Lance Armstronging It
 Performance enhancing your tired self with copious amounts of coffee, Red Bull, tea, 5 hour Energy Drinks or anything else to get your through the day.****

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*Apparently vinegar and water or baking soda .  I'll be trying both since it's way too cold this week to rely on opening up windows.
**Although let's be honest - most of the time I could set off an arsenal of fireworks followed by playing the bagpipes and Jack would remain asleep - flushing the toilet at 3AM - that's another story.
***No, wait a minute that's Donkey Kong, not parenthood!
****Too soon?