Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

So, I am pretty sure that we need to find a new grocery store.  At least for the next few months while we lay low, until the heat dies down.

Friday night, Molly fell ill.  She threw up eight times in a period of three hours, four times on me.  We stumbled through three sets of sheets, four blankets (or gits as Molly likes to call them) four outfits, two baths, one shower and two sponge baths that night.  She also showered our couch with puke not once, but twice.*  Her sympathetic brother laughed hysterically every time she threw up.**

The next morning everything seemed to be back to normal and Molly was so hungry it was as if she'd participated in a Freaky Friday body switch with Jack.  We went for a walk to a street sale, hit a local playground and then decided to stop at the grocery store before nap time. Molly's hollow leg continued as I had to ply her with two Nutrigrain bars just to keep her from having a hangry related meltdown while we shopped for food.

Grocery Store Babies - Gotta love those double seat-belt carts!

As we were standing in line for the check-out, out of nowhere, a mountainous eruption of vomit expelled out of Molly's mouth.  It was like a fire hose and it wouldn't stop.  I pulled her out of the grocery cart, grabbed a bunch of wipes and whisked her out of the store, yelling "Get out of the way, sick baby!"***  We showered the floors of the checkout and the front of the store while we abandoned Jack, who was now half covered in vomit, with his father.  I found a quiet spot at the back of the parking lot  where I stripped her down to just a diaper and her shoes, trying my best to destinkify Molly and me with the limited number of wipes and clean surfaces of clothing available at our disposal.  I stuffed our gross selves into the car and we awaited Jack and Chris with our slightly damaged groceries.

Our attempt at a swift getaway was thwarted when Chris realized that we had parked so far away from the store that the wheels on the shopping cart locked because we were "out of range".  I pulled the car closer so Chris could unload the vomit laden goods and we could go home.

"Just abandon the effin quarter!****  They need to hose down that cart anyway!" I screamed at Chris as he debated returning the cart to get his quarter back.  He shrugged and hopped in the car.

"Well that was horrible." I said.

"You weren't in the store for the worst part." Chris said.

"What happened?" I asked as I sped out of the parking lot home towards destination hot shower.

"Well, after you two left I flagged down that stock person who was mopping the floor to show him where he needed to clean and put up his wet floor sign.  He nodded and then disappeared to the back of the store, but I don't know why because his mop, bucket and wet floor sign were right there at the front of the store beside us.  The poor check out girl had to gingerly use paper towels to manoeuvre the puke covered food through the checkout.  Jack started picking at the pieces of vomit affixed to him, while I tried to brush his hands away.  The check-out girl asked if my son was okay and gave me a suspicious look.   I tried to assure her that it was in fact his evil twin who had caused this debacle and that he was quite well, despite the fact that he was now trying to eat his sister's vomit.  Apparently the stock person took too long to clean up Molly's mess because as I finished checking out an old lady slipped and fell on Molly's throw-up."

"Was she okay?" I asked.

"She fell pretty hard.  And she wasn't walking very fast after, but I'm not sure if that's because she fell or if it's because she's eighty years old.  Her husband was the old man blocking you at the door when you were trying to get Molly out of the store, so I don't know how she missed the whole scene."

So, does anyone know of any good places to shop for groceries on line?*****

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*To get puke smell out of a couch, clean off puke, wash down with warm water and then pour a ton of baking soda on it, let it sit over-night (or at least 2-3 hours) and then vacuum up the powder.  Repeat as necessary and then Lysol the s&*t out of it to get rid of the germs.
**For anyone wondering, 22 months is when little boys begin to think that throwing up is the funniest thing ever. Will report back when farts jokes make the list.
***Unfortunately to a few people that meant stand directly in my way and move at a snails place all while staring at me and my puke covered child, mouth agape.
****I didn't really say effin.
*****It looks like someone answered my prayers already, go Steam Whistle: http://www.blogto.com/eat_drink/2013/06/you_can_now_get_beer_delivered_with_your_groceries/


  1. Oh God. I am soooo glad I missed that! Poor you and poor Molly (and poor Chris and Jack, too, though I would have thought my emetophobic influence on Jack would have made him more sympathetic to fire hoses of puke!).

    I hope everyone's okay now!

  2. Yikes, poor Molly!

    Every parent of twins I've ever known has used Grocery Gateway extensively. The delivery fee is a bit pricey, but probably worth it on the gas/time/drama you save.

  3. ahahah This is one of the best things I have read all week!