Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Crying Over You

I fear that my daughter has been possessed by the Joker.  Yeah, that's right, Batman's nemesis.  For the past few days her mood swings, fits and tantrums would stand out as diabolically ridiculous, even inside the padded walls of Gotham's Elizabeth Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane.

Some time last year I stumbled upon the now viral blog Reasons My Son Is Crying which is truly hilarious and apparently going to become a book later this flag your Amazon wish lists.  I have found recently through experience that these tantrums are much more funny when they are happening on your computer screen and not when they are making you late for work.

Here are a select few of the triggers or events that have caused complete emotional meltdowns over the past few days:

What happened: While cleaning up toddler urine off of our couch I, calmly, softly and sweetly asked Molly to tell me when she had to go potty.
Proportional Response: Molly lay down on the floor and screamed, "I don't have to go potty!" - of course you don't, you just peed all over our couch.

What happened: Molly wanted to drink apple juice in front of an episode of The Backyardigans in a cup.  I told her she could have it in a sippy cup or could drink it without a lid while sitting on a chair in the kitchen.
Proportional Response: Crocodile tears and yelling, "Ma juice, Ma juice!" at the top of her lungs - although spilled apple juice might combat the stench of urine emanating from our couch.  I may have to revisit this decision.

What happened: I refused to hold Molly while I chopped up spinach and cooked dinner because everything I was doing was hot, sharp and dangerous.  So, I asked her to play with daddy instead.
Proportional Response: To thrash around on the kitchen floor and scream until Jack decided that it would be funny to imitate Molly, only with pauses to see if mom and dad are laughing at his wit* and giggle maniacally.   To escalate the situation further Molly accused her brother of hitting her. He was not.

What happened: Dad told Molly it was bath time.
Proportional Response: Crying.
What happened next: Dad brought you upstairs for bath.
Proportional Response: Crying and screaming, "NO BATH!" as if the water was filled with hungry piranhas.
What happened: I washed Molly's hair.
Proportional Response: Crying, followed by accusations that  Jack was hitting, again.  He was not.
What happened: Molly was told if she did not stop crying she would be taken out of the bath, tears continued, so Molly was removed from the bath.
Proportional Response: Tears, begging, pleading and bargaining to get back into the bath.

What happened: You know that scene from Cinderella when Anastasia and Drizella throw away their beads and sash because they don't want them any more, but tear Cinderella's dress to shreds because she used these discarded items?  Replace beads and sash with Nutrigrain bar and sippy cup filled with milk and make Cinderella Jack in this morning's incident
Proportional Response: Me yelling, "You'rr daddy's bleeping* problem now! Jack and I will meet you in the car."

  I was nominated for VoiceBoks Top 50 Hilariously Funny Parent Bloggers - If you can please take the time to vote for my blog Just click and vote for me (Multiple Momstrosity)

*Wocka, Wocka, Wocka!  Yeah we totally were.
**I didn't say bleep and am hoping that this colourful language doesn't make it into daycare.

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