Bad

I've had it up to my eyeballs with shabby products lately.  First, I discovered that another 11 batches of the pill Alysena have been recalled including my batch 1901A.   Seriously?  What next, are reps from the drug company going to show up at my door to punch holes into my condoms with some pins?  My pharmacist called me to inform me that they'll do a free exchange to the brand name version Alesse, but will they pay to send a child to college or daycare?

I don't think I've ever been as excited to purchase a package of tampons as I was this weekend.  The cashier might have looked at me strangely had I said how I felt, "Guess what, I'm not pregnant despite your best efforts to turn the women in Canada into Offred from The Handmaid's Tale."  I imagine my specific Canadiana Margaret Atwood reference might be lost on the 15 year old cashier, but none-the-less I'd feel better about my proclamation that I'm onto them and their conspiracy.

 

Images courtesy of Wikipedia

 

Then on Sunday morning, while we were trying to get the minions ready to attend their cousins baptism, I discovered that the new Nuby sippy cups that we had purchased to try to get the kids off the bottle were faulty.  When dropped from a toddlers height they crack and explode epically, which Molly and Jack found super funny as they continued to pick up and throw down milk bombs around the house in their Sunday best while I tried to ensure that they wouldn't show up at church smelling like old milk.

Next we wrestled the minions in the pew at the baptism before they could go down to the church's infant room.  I now know why gym class teaches wrestling: it's to help prepare you for dealing with toddlers.  "No Jack, that hymn book is not a weapon"*

This morning I was so tired I nearly put Bath and Body Works Vanilla scented hand soap in my hair instead of straightening serum, again.  This week will be better, right?**

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*And that's when you implement the sleeper hold.
**Until the recall of condoms comes out next month.

Scary Monsters

Last night I received a bone chilling text message.  It may as well have been delivered by a clown on a tricycle or at the very least orated by Ghost Face through a telephone using a voice manipulator.  It read:

Check your birth control.  Alysena lot LFO1899a was recalled and doesn't work

Image Courtesy of: Toronto Star Article

I asked if it was a late April Fool's joke.  It wasn't.  I was out at an appointment and wouldn't be able to get home for almost an hour.  I have an active imagination, so my mind immediately went to life with two sets of twins under two and a half, picturing something akin to the old woman who lived in a shoe (34 in human years) 105 in hours spent awake age.  We would no longer have one on one parenting, we would have to work in zones.  Is this what I got for opting for the store brand, less expensive cousin to Alesse, just because my insurance wouldn't cover the extra cost? 

I rushed home and found that I was batch 1901a.  My friend who sent me the text was one batch off.  We'd dodged a pill shaped bullet.  As I separated two fighting toddlers in the bath tub I sighed happily.  We are not ready to make the leap from brood to infant army.

I hope that I would notice an extra line of placebo pills in my package, but I have been pretty tired lately and the company just re branded the pills to new colours so who knows.  Perhaps it's time to explore some other birth control options like an IUD or maybe even a chastity belt.


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