First Day Of School

As we've been getting ready for the return to school, I am reminded of my own first days as a kid.  I remember being excited about my new 'cool' (it was never actually cool) fall wardrobe that it was way too warm to wear on the first day, but that I'd insisted on wearing anyway and broil - ALL DAY LONG.

via Giphy

I remember feeling excited and then equally disappointed on the first day of school.  Growing pains felt extra sharp after leaving the summer cocoon of life in day camp and hanging out at home.  I also remember keeping these feelings to myself.

One of my worst first days of school (try saying that 5 times fast) happened in my last year of high school.  Instead of celebrating the end of high school alongside people I'd known since I was a grade schooler, I switched schools. The choice was something very uncharacteristic for me and it was the first time I'd ever felt so alone.  So many people knew each other and I did not.  People were politically active and passionate about everything from global warming to vegetarianism to films.  I was not. I was a fish out of water.

As people paired off together I found myself alone, feeling overwhelmed and uninformed.  I went home and cried.  A lot.  I had asked for this. I had begged my parents to let me try out this 'strange alternative school' and I couldn't just throw in the towel.

I wiped off my tears.  It became a year that I met lots of interesting people who taught me a lot, I became comfortable with myself and being alone. I read, a lot, and I pushed my limits academically in a way I never had before. I found my first writing voice.  I earned a university scholarship.  I met a lot of interesting people who were very different from me and I found a confidence in myself that I never knew existed.

One of the things I want to remind myself, and a lot of parents about, is that the easy transitions aren't always the ones that make us grow.  Tonight, on the eve following the first day of school, I have one child who is very excited about what is ahead, the other who is hesitant.  What the year brings them, none of us know yet, but if it's a tough one it will also be one where they grow and learn a lot about themselves.

Happy First Day Of School!

Release - Fall reflections

Molly has taken to performing impressions of me.  They mostly involve me talking about how lovely a cup of coffee is, followed by my inhaling dramatically, and acting like this cup of coffee is made out of magic - which I'd argue some cups are.  It's always interesting to see yourself through the eyes of others, particularly your children.  Apparently I'm highly caffeinated in Molly's world.

I've been fortunate enough this month to get away from the family, not once, but twice.  As I've spent my 'girls time' doing stereotypical things that moms in their late thirties do (ooo and ahhh about coffee, go to spas, eat off of cheese boards, and drink wine, all while commiserating about middle age and parenthood), something clicked.  Maybe it's the age of my kids, cause let's face it twins at six are very different than twins at three or even four, maybe it's me getting better at knowing myself, but I think I've gotten better at carving out some me time, and know it makes me a better mom.  I also know that when Chris is left solo the kids are less likely to be hot mess time bombs of exploding diapers compared with just a few short years ago, not that he couldn't manage.

The little black cat who crossed my path on an autumn walk

On Saturday, as I lay in a hammock watching the fall leaves drop onto the ground all around me, I couldn't help but feel incredibly thankful and grateful for being able to plan get aways with friends like this, but also for the smaller moments that literally belong on a coffee commercial.  Moments big and small can be about rest and recovery, and I'm beginning to realize that instead of feeling guilty because I'm spending too much time looking at my phone or working on my laptop when the kids are around, that sometimes this fatigue is telling me that I need a time out from everything in order to be a better parent.

Yesterday I came home happy to take my kids for an autumn walk at their pace, not mine, and to play a game of Go Fish with Molly even though the dishwasher never got loaded.  The next time I feel myself losing my patience, instead of feeling guilty and pushing through grumpily I may just need to send myself to timeout with a good cup of coffee or for a nice long run.  I'm fairly certain either way I've just described my zen as a Tampax commercial.

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