You Give Me Fever

From what I hear, all children react differently to teething.  I've heard the legends of the wonder children whose teeth magically appear in their mouths with no drama or pain.*  Whether this legend is true or not, these wonder children are not my children.  Molly and Jack are both teething right now and it is not pretty.

We picked up Jack from daycare on Friday to find that his bum was so sore from teething induced diarrhea and that he couldn't stay seated.  I am aware that there is a huge debate about whether or not there is a correlation between teething and the runs.**  Once we got him home and soaked the several pairs of pants he had obliterated at daycare, I carefully took off his diaper, slathered him up in Penaten Cream and laid him across my lap, diaper less and pants less while he happily ate cheerios, drooled all over me like a running faucet and played with his new favourite toy: The Magic Cooking Pot.  This became our routine for a good portion of the weekend, while we waited for his baboon butt to heal and his new teeth to come in.  It's some sort of miracle that 1) Jack can spend so much time laying on my lap eating Cheerios without trying to crawl away and 2) That he didn't pee on me once this weekend.  By Monday he was in better spirits with a light pinkish butt, but still no new teeth, I'm expecting another flare up any day now.

Here's a picture of me circa 1979.  I'm proud to see that my mother also favoured taking pictures of pain and bought me topical t-shirts rather than soothing or rubbing orajel on my gums. The jerk genes run strong in my family.

Molly doesn't cope with teething in the same way as Jack.  She attacks her sore mouth, ears and gums with a vengeance, using any object she can find, generally the more dangerous and disgusting the better.***  On Sunday I caught her with my toothbrush, which she had shoved into her ear, her nose and the back of her gums before I realized what was going on.  I don't even know how she got it, but I guess it was time for a new brush anyway.  Her body copes in another way, fever.  Teething related fevers that say, have daycare calling you at 3:45PM in the afternoon, for the second Monday in two weeks and result in her having to stay home for another 24 hour rest period because her fever peaked at 103 - AGAIN and she isn't allowed back until it has been gone for at least a day - AGAIN!

Anyone have any suggestions for teething themed apparel for Molly or Jack?  It seems like it's almost time for their close up!

This is what Jack did to the Vaseline/Baby Moisturizer.  Not entirely helpful when you're trying to change a diaper quickly and prevent baboon butt.  He thinks that it's hilarious.

*Like any urban legend, I heard that my sisters', friends' cousins' child didn't experience any pain teething, but I think it was just something made up to give parents hope in dark times.   

**Those who believe there is a connection say that the bowel issues have to do with the swallowing of excess saliva, which causes extra acidity in the stomach, leading to loose stool.  Those who think there is no connection have obviously never cleaned up one of Jack's "blow-out" diapers while he's teething.

***Favourite/Forbidden objects she's gone for to aid her throbbing gums: batteries from the remote control, cat food, wooden spoons and most often the insoles from Chris's shoes.

Thief In the Night

I remember, not too long ago, when the act of disturbing other patrons of a hotel in the middle of the night was in direct correlation to the amount of alcohol consumed, the number of people present and the hour of the night.  We didn't feel that bad about the noise and generally toned things down around last call and if ever anyone complained we either shut things down or tried to be quiet.

I even count the Candy Orgy of 2011, when I was sober, pregnant and designated driver to a bunch of drunkards who decided that it was a good idea to buy a ridiculous amount of candy* and then race shopping carts in the parking lot of a Walgreens.  I didn't participate, but I was there, asleep on a chair while those around me ate Sugar Mountain.

Source: flickr.com Via: akeg on: creativecommons.org

Now we're parents and vacations with the kids are a little different.  After travelling all day Chris and I tried to be responsible (exhausted) adults and went to bed early**.  We were horrified when Molly woke up screaming just after midnight.  We have a fairly effective pit crew to get awake babies changed, fed and back to bed within about 15 minutes on a regular basis, but this time we couldn't get her to stop crying.  So we took shifts walking, rocking and soothing Molly for about 45 minutes to an hour until she finally fell back asleep.

While we tried to calm down our inconsolable little girl we heard others in the hotel rooms around us waking up, talking, and probably cursing us for being the a-holes with a screaming baby that we couldn't get to shut up.  I thought about how we'd have to avoid eye contact with rooms anywhere near us while Molly wailed her infamous siren scream.  The only person who she didn't disturb was Jack who slept soundly less than 20 feet away.

Once Molly began to settle down we heard a series of cars locking and doors slamming in the parking lot just outside our room.  Thinking back to the good ol' days back on Sugar Mountain I figured it was people arriving home from the bar and was relieved.  After all, it was only 1AM on the Friday of a long weekend, and Molly was almost asleep again.  Noise wise, we probably hadn't done anything too much worse than the night owls returning from the bar.  As soon as she dropped off to sleep Chris and I fell back into bed.

In the light of the morning I discovered that Molly's first tooth had finally broken through her gums.  Once Chris was up I showed him and we both felt better knowing why she was crying as opposed to a random act of crazy baby behaviour.

Everything was coming up Milhouse as we climbed into the rental car to meet Chris's mum and grandmother for brunch.  Unfortunately, that's when we discovered that our rental car had been broken into and our GPS system was missing.  There was no sign of forced entry but we found all of the ash tray, glove compartment and drink consoles opened in the car.

It's the chicken and egg theory as to whether the thieves woke up Molly or whether she aided and abetted them by screaming through the break-in while we paced the floors, awake, mere feet away from our robbers.

We went to the drug store, unfortunately not for candy snacks, but to purchase a new GPS unit.   I'm almost 50% sure that there wouldn't have been a break in had there been a group of engaging young people shopping cart racing in the parking lot, just saying.
 


*Including an over-sized gelatin Hello Kitty lolly pop that was the only item that wasn't consumed in the glut of Candyggedon.
**Is a 9PM bed time a little less weak if I mentioned that Chris had two beers and I had a glass of wine in front of a How I Met Your Mother rerun before we went to bed?  Didn't think so, but I thought I'd try.

The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight

After the initial shock of parenthood wears off, beyond the sleep deprived autopilot night time feeding zombie phase, you reach the point where it's time to make some major decisions again. With research, discussion and gut feelings Chris and I made it through the bottle vs. breast vs. both, the cloth vs. disposable diapers, how to decorate a nursery, what stories to read, etc. etc. long before Molly and Jack were even born.

Each time a monthiversary approaches, probably like any paranoid parent, I go on a research rampage monitoring the previous month and the month to come to make sure that the minions fall into the range of normal developmental milestones.*  As I read about month five to six I saw that by now our babies should be able to sleep through the night and that if they aren't by month six it may be time for some sleep training or ferberizing**.

Since about month three both babies generally only require one night time feeding/changing where we both get up, change and feed both babies (whether they are both awake or not, to avoid being woken up twice) and are generally back into bed within twenty minutes to half an hour.  Recently they have both started to give us about two nights a week where they sleep for the entire night and we're awoken by an alarm rather than a baby*** and now that we've had a taste, we want more.

When I presented my research to Chris he sighed and said, "When one of them gets up in the middle of the night they're really hungry, I don't know if I'm ready for us ignoring their hungry cry just yet, and besides they're sleeping through the night more and more every week now.  And they may wake up the other baby**** by crying."  We've been letting both babies self soothe for a couple of months now when they first go to bed, but never in the middle of the night, we'll sometimes give them about five minutes before we stumble out of bed and into action (to make sure it isn't just a random night scream - which Molly is infamous for).  We agreed to revisit the issue in a month.

Last night Molly went to bed at 9:45pm and was screaming at 5:30am.  Jack (while still asleep) consumed 5 ounces of formula.  After ounce 2 Molly started chewing at the bottle and grinning at me.   "She's not hungry, she's just bored." Chris said as I put her back to bed and she sang to herself in her crib for half an hour before going back to bed.  While we tried to go back to sleep while Molly babbled from down the hall, Chris and I discussed  whether or not she was really communicating things while she "talked" to herself.  We couldn't determine what she was saying and finally fell back asleep.  Now that I've thought about it I think I know what she was saying, "Don't hate the player, hate the game."  

Want Multiple Momstrosity updates on Facebook click here?


*Both babies are doing fine, although Jack's recent obsession with making raspberry noises in combination with teething makes for a daily wet t-shirt contest. 
**The Ferber Method is a technique invented by Dr. Richard Ferber involving baby-training children to self-soothe by allowing the child to cry for a predetermined amount of time before providing external comfort.
***The first few times this happened we both burst into the nursery in a panic to make sure they were okay and then felt silly for waking sleeping babies.
****I often catch myself in the nursery with Jack (who goes to bed about an hour later than Molly) standing still and avoiding eye contact with Molly, much like the T-Rex in Jurassic Park, so she won't register that I'm there and attack.