Paperback Writer

About nine years ago Chris moved into my 490 square foot downtown apartment.  There was very little space and we were really crammed for two reasons 1) I refused to purge my old stuff to make room for his things* and 2) it was 490 square feet.  As a result we lived, like sardines with piles of stuff everywhere until only three months later, when we couldn't take it any more we moved to a 1100 square foot apartment in Bloor West Village.

As two avid readers, we have a crap load of books.  One of the first orders of business at the new place was to buy some book shelves to merge our collections.  This was a huge deal (as was the merging of the CDs).  We worked to make room for everyone's books, including a bit of space for new purchases and  tried to negotiate books to get rid of.  He was insistent on keeping his Anne Rice collection** and I was oddly stubborn on keeping my feminist/popping culture collection of Naomi Wolf and  Naomi Klein books as well as some random Jim Morrison poetry books that I purchased when I was 15 and in my own personal musical renaissance.

Just before the babies were born we negotiated another cull of the book shelves and I acquired a book shelf upstairs in my office to keep sticky fingers off my collection of unusual children's literature. I may share these books with the minions when their primary use for a book isn't as a soother or a weapon.  We also got rid of any books that we knew we'd never read again, that being said Anne Rice, the Naomi Collection and Jim remained on our book shelves once again.

Would you want to share this amazing pop-up Alice in Wonderland book with someone who hadn't mastered "gentle" yet? I didn't think so.

Nearly 10 months later, the babies are everywhere, crawling, pulling themselves up onto tables and into book shelves leaving heaps of destruction at every corner.  I spend a lot of time trouble shooting and baby-proofing.  Last week I went back to the book shelves to get rid of and move around about 1/6th  of our collection to leave the bottom shelf empty and available for baby toy storage, since nothing remains on those shelves any more any way.

I never thought I'd be the type of adult who would clear shelves out of her living room book case to make room for stuffed bears, but here we are.  If anyone has suggestions for semi-stylish baby friendly storage containers to put toys on said shelves in, I'd love your input.

Any suggestions on how to protect the minions from floor lamp cords or floor lamps themselves would also be appreciated, they are currently obsessed with them.

When I called Chris to tell him about the new version of the book shelves he asked about his Stephen Kings and Vampire Lestat*** series and I was able to tell him that Steve and Anne still have homes on our shelves.  The Naomi's also remain, in case Molly ever needs to read empowering books to help her with adolescent self esteem and womanhood.  Others weren't so lucky.

Last week, after 19 years, I finally asked Jim Morrison to move out of our book shelf and into our garage in a box marked for Good Will.  He didn't complain because he knows that this relationship that I have with Molly and Jack, it must be serious and high school love, while intense is often fleeting.****

*I had gotten rid of a lot of stuff when an ex moved in two years earlier and the relationship only lasted 1 month post-move in.  I wasn't getting rid of stuff for any one and who did this new guy think he was anyway?  Future husband and father of my children, yeah right.
**Which we all know he will never read again.
***Apparently Chris isn't Team Edward, he's Team Lestat kicking it old school.  I also question the motives of him purchasing me a Kindle to celebrate the birth of Molly & Jack, an e-book will never take Anne's spot on the book shelf, sneaky move Chris.
****Upon reading this blog entry Chris felt that Jim should make his way back into our house so the minions can read up on him in their musical renaissance, I'm not so sure - I thought I needed a clean break.

Walk the Line

The more time I spend baby-proofing the more I realize that it's like a black hole that never ends.  Each time I think I have a room secured the girl child finds new and interesting ways to show me she can "take things to the next level".  I've been dedicating about half an hour a day to baby-proofing yet my to-do list keeps growing.

When does baby-proofing cross the line into full blown paranoia?  I know I haven't reached that point yet, maybe by the time they reach high school?  Baby-proofing is not a replacement for watching your children, however I've come discover that it's generally what you need to give you that extra 3 seconds to prevent major bodily harm.*

Baby-Proofing is Disgusting-Proofing
Yesterday I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth while Jack took his bath and Molly crawled around the room beside me.  I looked down to see that Molly had pulled the toilet brush out from behind the toilet and was about to shove it into her mouth.  Luckily I snatched it out of her hands, but not without a disappointed shriek and crocodile tears as I secured the toilet brush on top of the high cabinet in the bathroom. When I tried to move the plunger I realized that it is too tall to fit into or on top of either bathroom cabinet.  I may have to secure it to a high part of the bathroom wall using one of those broom holder wall mounts.

Baby-Proofing is Murder-Proofing
Molly's disappointment didn't last long.  While I was securing the toilet brush on top of the cabinet Molly discovered that the wooden toilet paper holder is light enough for her to lift and swing around her brother's head in an attempt to bludgeon him while he bathes.**  It is now being stored on top of the toilet tank.

Sadly this cute duck bathtub faucet cover can't save Jack from his homicidal sister.

Baby-Proofing is Suicide-Proofing
I was so proud of cleverly measuring and securing the baby gates with my dad so that the 14 year old cat could still get up and down the stairs to his litter and his food while the children could not get under without a great deal of force and contortion.  Until last week when Molly played above me while I swept and mopped the stair below.  She turned herself around and tried to get under the baby gate, but she couldn't thanks to our handiwork.  Only I'm not sure what's worse: a child falling down the stairs or getting snared in the mouse-trap/noose we've created to "protect" her.

I know what you're thinking.  That baby could totally fit under there.  That would be the case if either of my children had remotely normal sized heads, but they don't.

Thankfully our little mouse has moved on to collecting litter and mud off the bottom of our shoes in addition to balls of cat hair pulled directly from Pan's belly.  We suspect she's building a nest.

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*Or take a picture of the different ways your child tries to kill themselves.
**Most parents get to spend their time worrying about the child who is physically in the bath rather than the maniac crawling around the floor.

Livin' on the Edge

This weekend we went for a walk in James Gardens with my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, niece and nephew.  For a good portion of the walk my 3 year old niece insisted on walking beside/in front of our double stroller so she could hold onto Molly and Jack's hands while we walked.  A very sweet gesture, albeit highly dangerous as she kept on positioning herself in front of the wheels of the stroller, stopping suddenly and absently cutting off the stroller in pursuit of various distractions around the park.  It didn't matter how many times she was warned by me, her parents, how often it was suggested that she play ahead with her brother, or hold someone else's hand, she was determined to be close to her cousins.

Later that afternoon, mere hours following a conversation about how children are in constant pursuit of death, Molly decided it was a good idea to climb into the base of the Exersaucer (AKA The Console of Doom or COD) while her brother towered above her inside the COD in the middle of an uncontrollable jumping frenzy.  We pulled her out immediately shuddering at the thought of baby trampling and realized that the minions are at the age where they are completely dangerous to themselves and each other.  I finally understand when a friend of Chris's, and father of three, announced that children are like monkeys on acid.  I am aware that pre-parent me complained about rubber floored playgrounds and Darwinism, but the minions are now capable of turning pens into shivs and they head butt each other constantly, it's like prison here.

That being said, I decided to dedicate this week to baby-proofing the house.

Somewhat proud to say that this was not our handy-work!

Source: flickr.com via: storyvillegirl  on creativecommons.org

Baby-Proofing Completed

• Baby Gates Up - Special thanks to my father for taking painstaking efforts and 3 trips to our house, and the hardware store ensuring that the gates didn't damage our banisters and fit easily against the walls when the minions are asleep so we can run loads of laundry without killing ourselves.*
• Book Shelves Secured to the Wall**
• All medicines and highly toxic products moved to high shelves in washroom.***
• Inserted 13 plastic safety plugs in various outlets around the house, including one on the top of the electric stove, even though I know that if Molly or Jack manage to climb onto the stove unsupervised to electrocute themselves in the outlet that I've already failed about 5 times as a parent.
• Installed Safety Swivel Outlet covers for all outlets in the nursery.
• Installed regular outlet covers for all outlets in the house that didn't have covers.****
• Moved all super breakable stuff or things that we really like off of the bottom 2 shelves in the living room or over to my parent's house for a few years.
• Temperature on hot water turned down to 49 degrees C or 120 degrees F.

Baby-Proofing to Complete

• Eye hook on door to music room to protect Chris's records, musical instruments and prevent possible death by giant amplifier.
• Cabinet & Drawer latches in bathrooms and kitchen.
• Poison control on programmed onto speed dial, cell and house phone.
• Put special squeeze door handles on bathroom doors and office door.
• Figure out how to hide electric cords for floor lamps.

Questions I Have About Baby-proofing

• Are toilet locks really necessary?*****
• Are faucet protectors worth the cost/ necessary?  Should we get one for the bath that they'll never use?
• I read something about keeping one kitchen cupboard unlocked that contained things like plastic containers and bowls to allow the kids to explore, is it worth it to avoid total household lock-down?
• How do I teach the minions to be nice to my 14 year old cat, and that he has claws...so far he just moans in displeasure when they try to pet him (AKA pull his tail, ears, poke him in the eyes and squeeze his cat belly as hard as they can)?  Or is this a lesson that he'll teach them himself, much to our horror?
• What am I missing?
• They're totally going to still hurt themselves on something we haven't thought of, aren't they?

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*We're taking bets on the first adult to fall down the stairs over the baby gates if anyone is interested.
**I'm not sure if I am going to be thanking my father, who also secured the book shelves, based on his comments about how he hopes that I'm happy about book shelf location and how I may have to just "paint around them" or leave them be should we ever move.
***Thank you to our friend, PMM, for telling me the horrifying story about how although his mother hid, locked and stacked fermentation tablets in the highest possible cabinet of the kitchen that he still managed to get them and ingest them while she was in the washroom because he thought they were scotch mints.
****Yes, we've been in the house for over 3 years now and this was still outstanding until today. Does it make it any less savage that most of these plug outlets are partially covered by furniture or that I had purchased the plug plate covers in August while I was still pregnant and that they've sat in a plastic bag on our back porch ever since waiting to be installed?
 *****Says the woman who grew up in the house with plumbing emergencies from my brother flushing a novelty over-sized Toucan Soap down the toilet and a dog who dumped his Kong chew toy down the toilet.