Seether

Have you ever been baffled by the way someone is acting?  You wonder what you've done for them to be so angry, obstinate and difficult.  It seems as if they have planned their day around being hard on you, yelling at you and being generally unpleasant.  Then you remember, they're only four years old and just maybe you're the one being the @$$h0*e.

Jack has worked really hard on quelling his anxiety caused by the major changes in his life in kindergarten and we are very proud that his obsessive hand sucking has nearly, entirely stopped. Unfortunately, this has been replaced by a need for negative attention, lying and a lot of anger.
Here's the thing...We've been spending so much time thinking about correcting Jack that we've neglected a focus on our responses to his actions and the example they set.  I would say as parents Chris and I both have very high expectations in terms of manners, politeness and kindness.  One of my anger triggers, which I am positive I inherited from my mother, is my level of embarrassment when the minions behave like jerks in public - this includes reports of them being disrespectful or difficult to any of their teachers or caregivers, which are coming in lately, unfortunately, on a daily basis.

Jack taming the wolf statue circa 2014.

Last night I tossed and turned until I came to a big realization, I am the @$$h0*e.  I am setting unrealistic expectations for Jack, who is in a difficult and challenging situation that he has little to no control over, since he's only four years old.  As an adult, I've had to make big decisions and dramatic changes to my life because of the impact escalating negative situations have had on my health, happiness and general well-being.  I couldn't have made the difficult decisions I needed to without my solid support network of family and friends.  When I was feeling really terrible about myself these people reminded me about why I am awesome and this helped me immensely.  Why should this need for support be any different for a four year old who is not yet the master of his own destiny? Sure he's still going to face consequences for lying and other major infractions, but perhaps it's time to put away the iron fist and try the velvet glove.

In a revised plan of action to help Jack work through the anxiety and anger he's been feeling lately, we're going to attempt to respond to what he's saying and doing in a more constructive way. When Jack gets frustrated and yells, "YOU GO TO TIME-OUT!" to Chris or I,  we're going to take his suggestion and all take a two-three minute quiet time so everyone can calm down.  When I ask Jack to do something and he responds with, "Not now, soon though." we'll let it slide, just a little bit. If Jack isn't ready to talk about what's bugging him, we're going to give him a hug and come back to him later when it isn't so raw.  In non-stressed moments we are going to talk about other things we can do and coping mechanisms to distract ourselves and calm ourselves down when we're mad, like singing a song or counting to ten.  Most importantly I am going to work on praising the little things that he's doing awesome at and reward his good behaviour, because we all need encouragement.

Every once in a while, when Chris and I get snippy with each other Jack steps in and tells us to apologize and be nicer to each other, because we're best friends.  It's time to take his lead.

To read about other challenges in adjusting to school click here.

To read about lessons learned in speech therapy and managing obsessive tendencies click here.

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Be True to Your School

Earlier this week we took the minions to visit their brand new before and after school program, where they'll be spending a great deal of their time in the coming months.  We wanted to ensure that they had some familiarity with the location, the kids and the Early Childhood Education workers who will be spending a significant amount of time with them, While Chris and I spoke with the program supervisor, they ran around giggling in excitement of what's to come in the next week and a half.  Each day, the number of questions they ask about their new life in Jr. kindergarten increases as they get ready to say goodbye to many of the friends who will either remain in daycare or will be attending different schools.
As the anticipation and nerves mount, from the kids, but mostly and mom and dad, I can't help but compare how similar starting kindergarten is to any beginning be it life at a new school, starting a new school year, or beginning a new job.  I have a recent and intimate understanding of life at a new job and hope that this experience helps me become a more understanding parent in the weeks to come, as Molly and Jack adjust to "the new normal".

Jack, reaching for the stars!

Here are 8 Secrets to Adjusting to a New Job, School or Experience

1. You don't know what you're doing and that's okay.  Just Breathe.
   So you're the new kid?  Most people understand what it's like to be in your shoes, and good leaders and managers will be able to provide you with support, training and patience to help get you started on your way.
2. There might be some culture shock.
   Any new situation will have distinct differences from your past. Change is a good thing and you can adapt, whether it's an adjustment from having your own office to an open concept floor plan, to a new way of holding meetings or a teacher with a unique style of explaining new concepts.
3. It will take time to understand expectations from your teacher or supervisor.
   You probably aren't psychic (I know I'm not) and it's going to take some time to understand expectations (this isn't just about pop quizzes and new assignments - it's about everything from dress code/gym uniforms, to how to prepare a TPS report, to unspoken rules about recess/coffee breaks).  Be inquisitive, ask questions, ask for guidance and ask for feedback regularly.
4. Sometimes you are going to feel overwhelmed.
   Change is scary and sometimes it can be downright terrifying, but without change we don't grow.  New challenges will help you master current skills and develop different ones. Who's ready to learn to read?
5. What about the cool kids?
   Cliques are going to happen, both around the water cooler and the monkey bars.  Be pleasant, be kind and be yourself .  The people you meet or connect with on your first few days may not become your new BFFs and that's alright, you are there to work and learn.
6. Patience is key.
   Despite what many experts say, it can take longer than 21 days or a month to form new habits and acclimatize to a new situation. A study published in The European Journal of Social Psychology found that on average it takes 66 days for a new habit to become automatic, with a range of 18-254 days for someone to form a new habit (two-eight months).  Give yourself enough time to decide if this is the right fit for you.
7. Give it the old "college try".
   College try is an expression for a reason.  Work hard, but forgive yourself for newbie mistakes. Don't obsess.  Learn, adapt and move forward.  No one is perfect, and neither are you.  The sooner you accept that the better you'll feel about your grade on the spelling test.
8.  Be kind to yourself.
   There are going to be good days and bad days and it's hard to keep up your confidence when you're learning so much new information.  Treat yourself to time with friends and family, a good book or a new Ariel Barbie doll or a He-man Merman figurine (these are actual things that my children want, which may be a part of our unconventional back to school shopping list) to celebrate how far you've come. 

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Complicated

Whenever I am proud of a parenting decision it tends to come back and bite me.  I registered the minions for the "before" and "after" kindergarten care program waiting list long before Molly and Jack's first birthday.  Now, after years on a waiting list, we just found out there is no space for them and very few other options that will get the minions to school.  Just when I thought I had it all figured out, clearly I do not.

Next I had the bright idea that since Chris was the one who went to kindergarten registration, I'd take it upon myself to go to the kindergarten orientation unaccompanied with the minions tow.  That was not a good idea!

After a lot of deliberation, along with recommendations from our ECE workers and Jack's speech therapy team we decided it would be best to put the kids in separate classes.  This will encourage them to build their own friendships, identities and avoid direct competition and comparison.  Jack has particularly excelled since being separated from his sister at pre-school.  What could go wrong?

In our grandiose vision of what school would be, we overlooked one key, yet highly important factor: logistics.

• Two separate drop-offs and pick-ups at two different, albeit fairly close, locations
• Two sets of homework, (do kindergarten kids even get homework?)
• Two teachers to contend with

The kicker, all of these items we had planned and requested.

I remember how excited other parents were when they introduced full day kindergarten in Ontario.  It was going to solve everyone's child care problems.  The only issues being the split shift I need to fill every morning before 9am and every afternoon post school until work is over AND that pick-up and drop-off is going to be a daily regime of attempting to solf the riddle about the sheep, the wolf, the cabbage and the river.

I am very well aware that this is a photo of a goat, not a sheep...but he's pretty cute either way!

During kindergarten orientation it became clear that I had inadvertently registered myself for the multi-tasking Olympics.  I had to listen to announcements for each child to determine what room they'd be visiting, get them in the proper line, give them name tags, introduce them to their teacher, ensure that they were comfortable and okay all the while trying to keep two very excited children quiet because they were over the moon that they were visiting KINDERGARTEN!!!  Once they were in their rooms, I attended the parental session and then was told to go inside to meet my child's teacher....hmmm....wait, I needed to be two places at once?

As I navigated two partial sessions with teachers with one or more children at my side, I was stressed, exhausted and ready to go home.   No matter what I was doing, I was ignoring the needs of one of my kids during an exercise that was supposed to make us all more comfortable with next year. Classes don't start until September and I am far from the land of comfort.

When we decide to take the leap into parenthood we are lured into reading a ton of books about pregnancy and attending classes about labour or what to expect in the first year.  As interesting as it is to know that my babies were the size of an avocado in my belly at a specific point in my pregnancy, I should have probably been focusing efforts on filling out college admission forms or something else instead.  Are we the only ones who struggle with learning how to get spaces for the affordable municipal swim lessons?

In the spirit of education here are some classes that I have definitely needed as a parent:

• The Black Hole of Panic (AKA stop Googling that rash and go to sleep)
• They'll Do It When They're Ready (An introduction to toilet training & patience)
• Mastering Awkward Small Talk With Other Parents
• Daycare Wait lists - Begging, Borrowing & Other Negotiation Tactics

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