Monday, 23 July 2012

Rain on the Scarecrow

The minions, specifically the boy child, are into everything.  Thankfully Molly understands No and will generally obey even if it is combined with her crawling towards you with her eyes filled with tears of frustration, but will settle down after a short cuddle and praise for listening.  Jack is another story.  He pretends he doesn't hear you, even though it's obvious that he does as he looks around to see if you're coming to take him away from fun.

There are three main zones that we constantly need to be guarding:

Chris's Turntable
Apparently our son fancies himself a DJ.  Only less like DJ Jazzy Jeff and more like if Gwar had a DJ.*  Jack will make monster noises, turn on the record player, pounce on the record and eat the white record sleeve.  Then he'll fall down, Get back up, scratch the record, adjust all volume knobs and beat his sister with the cardboard album cover. When I tell him no and take him away, he'll cry, make a monster noise, or go right back and growl, "YEAHHHH!"

Cords and Plugs 
This kid is unstoppable, if there is a cord to be found** he will pull at it and yank it as hard as he can.  Molly removed the carbon monoxide alarm once***.  Jack removes it at least 2 or 3 times a week and has a full screaming melt down as the alarm goes off.  He'll attack standing lamps, knocked over our standing fan while we were folding laundry the other night and is generally (alarm aside) quite pleased by his reign of chaos.

Both minions discovered their passion for drawers in May when we went to BC to visit their Great Grandmother C.  In our bedroom we have a large dresser with several handles that make wonderful baby music when you clink them constantly like tiny accessible door knockers.  These are not the drawers that cause us issue and pain.  The kitchen ones are, and I haven't found out a great way to baby proof them yet. Hopefully a trip to Home Depot should solve the fact that Jack is pulling himself up using the drawer handles and then smacking himself in the face with the drawer and knocking himself onto the ground.

My problem is that once I baby proof these things, he'll find something else to terrorize and then something else, and something else - until our house is just one giant rubber room with no electricity or storage space.  Which is why I immediately thought about baby scarecrows.  I need to find some sort of baby deterrent to scare them, specifically Jack, away from trouble.  Redirection doesn't seem to be working.  Does anyone remember those hiding stuffed children that people used (in the 1990s) to decorate their country kitchens?  Apparently they're called Pouty Time Out Dolls and they still exist.  They scare me and would keep me out of the drawers, but sadly I believe they'd do nothing to stop Jack.  They're the My Buddy companion to the naughty chair.  Jack you were bad, now you have to hang out with the baby without a face for 5 minutes, have fun - Sucker. Unfortunately he'd probably just beat it senseless with a record cover like it was his sister.

Image courtesy of - you can also buy these dolls here if you would like them for your time-outs or country kitchens.

A Jack specific scare crow would involve loud noises, getting trapped in a confined space and would force feed him homo milk.  A Molly specific scare crow would pretend to pick her up and then laugh and say, "Just joking" and pick up and cuddle her brother instead.  I'm pretty confident that all child deterring scare crows would involve at least some level of child abuse.

The baby scare crow reminds me of a few years ago when a group of us began to discuss things that we hated and what would make up our own personal hell(s)**** while we tried to see how well we knew each other.   Okay maybe it's not exactly hell, it's just somewhere really annoying that encompasses your strong dislikes, some fears and pet peeves, I'm not going to lie - likely there was some alcohol consumed prior to these conversations.  Either way I'm pretty sure that creating a doll that embodies everything your child dislikes or is scared of isn't good parenting.  Funny parenting, mean parenting, but not good parenting.

*If you don't know who Gwar is, #1 I'm really disappointed because they are awesome, in theory.  I can't say I've ever really listened to Gwar, but I like the idea that they exist, and I can't believe they are still together almost 25 years later.
**In Jack's mind our cat's tail counts as a cord.
***And it scared her so much that she pooed her pants, cried and never touched it again.
****Chris's personal hell involves being in a cold room where he is force fed fried mushrooms off of a wooden spoon by the artist currently known as Prince while he soothes him by singing raspberry beret and pokes him in the belly button.   Mine involves snakes, Jon Favreau, biting wool or cotton balls, wearing leotards that fall down and having to spend time with a specific ex boyfriend who slightly resembles Jon Favreau. Shudder.

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