Angry Chair

There are these rare instances as a parent when I think inside my head: this really could be a defining moment for me as a mom.  In these split seconds of time I have found myself, truthfully quite arrogantly, thinking that these are the experiences when my clay (aka the minions) are really going to start to take form.

This weekend I had one of those moments when Chris and I both masterfully handled a teachable moment with Molly, then two days later I ended up feeling like a complete and utter terrible mom after I received some additional information about the possible root of  "the shopping incident".  That being said, I'm pretty sure, even in retrospect I'd handle things the exact same way.

Molly needed some spring clothes.  We headed out to Once Upon A Child to get some gently used clothes for her and to look for a couple of items for her brother.  She and I looked around together first and picked out clothes for her.  I dropped those off to Chris and Jack who were playing in the toy aisle and mentioned that I was going to look for shoes for Jack, one of the only items on his list. Molly demanded that I look for shoes for her instead.  I explained to her that she didn't need shoes and that Jack did.  She started to whine, this escalated to a cry and Chris and I both, somewhat patiently explained to her how lucky she was to have lots of nice things and how she should be appreciative.  She took it up a notch and cried louder, an escalating sound piercing enough that we were starting to get attention from other shoppers in the store.

Daddy helping her into a new dress at Christmas.

Chris turned to Molly and slowly, deliberately and calmly stated, "You need to learn to appreciate just how lucky you are.  If you keep crying about what you don't have I'm putting one of the items that you and mommy picked out back on the shelf and we will not be buying it."  Unfortunately and somewhat predictably this did not have the calming effect that he was hoping for. It was as if he'd activated the "go ape sh%$t bananas" button and we were faced with the biggest tantrum we have seen from either child in over a year.  Molly began screaming in hysterics, "I WANT EVERYTHING FOR ME!" and other catch phrases that appeared to be pulled straight from the script of Mean Girls at the top of her lungs and sobbing uncontrollably.  We briefly tried to settle her, but shortly after Chris picked her up and took her for a time out in the car, leaving Jack and I in the store to fend for ourselves.

For a split second I debated not buying Molly any of the clothes as punishment for her poor behaviour, but quickly determined that the only people this would really punish would be Chris or I who would have to go out again to find suitable children's attire at another time.  Instead I bought everything, but when I went out to the car pretended I had only made purchases for Jack.  When I got to the car, Molly was still in hysterics.

When we made a stop, Chris tried to talk to her, at which point she demanded that both Chris and I apologize for making her sad.  We both suppressed our scoffs and laughter.  After some quiet time at home she apologized to both of us and said that she wouldn't act like that again.  She also asked if we could go shopping the next day, to which we said no, maybe some other time.

For the rest of the weekend, and since the meltdown she has been on her best behaviour.  The other night she asked me when her next Mommy and Molly date day was and I assured her that we'd have one soon (it is her turn for a date day this month).  At daycare I spoke to her ECE worker about the "shopping incident".  She told me that Molly has been fairly unhappy at daycare for a few weeks now, as Jack continues to bond with Molly's former best friend and that she's been having a tough time coping. She also agreed with our decision to try to get the minions in separate classes for kindergarten in the fall, but that's still four months away which is still nearly 10% of her life away.

This is where Chris and my thoughts on the matter differ.  Chris believes the shopping incident was purely isolated and a selfish "id" moment.  I am on the same page as her ECE worker who sees a connection to other incidents.

I actually believe I owe Molly an apology.  I wish I spent more time with Molly than I do so I could more easily read why she's freaking out.  I am going to apologize to her for not finding out what was wrong and for not digging further.  I am going to cuddle her and let her know that I know what it's likes to feel left out.  I am also going to remind her that several months ago she was doing the EXACT SAME THING TO HER BROTHER.  I guess I focused on the wrong teachable moment.

To read about dealing with the terrible twos tantrums click here.

To read about behaving badly for dad click here.

To get access to the newest posts from Multiple Momstrosity and more on Facebook click here and follow today! 
  

Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)!

Everyone has heard of the legendary "terrible twos", and mentally I prepared myself for a double dose of it when Molly and Jack reached their second birthdays.  Two came in like a lamb and for the most part has been a very positive year in terms of growth, development and ease with the minions.  What I wasn't prepared for was the "trying threes", which arrived a month and a half early and we are now facing a daily grudge match with Jack where he tries every ounce of my patience.

A couple of months ago two dirty little words entered Miss Molly's vocabulary. When I brushed tangles out of her hair she'd cry it.  When we turned off the TV or said it was time for bath or bed or told her to tidy up the box of toys she'd spread all over the floor, she'd say it again - and I have to admit it broke my heart every time she screamed, "Go Away!" at us.

This is not a phrase that we use at home, so I'm convinced that these two words are something that she'd acquired at daycare, akin to some sort of virus of the genome "parentaldisrespectus".  We immediately and quite successfully began work on etiquette and manners with her.  Molly loves to be praised for being a "big girl" and hates to be given time-outs.  She also can't stand being embarrassed in front of her favourite people.  So by simply saying things like, "You hurt my feelings" or "I guess I should tell your favourite person at daycare that you were being rude"  she usually stops.  These instances slowly decreased in frequency.  That being, said she's three and Chris and I have also found that sometimes it's best for everyone to let her have a complete meltdown so she can spin and then calm down.

My two cubs!

Unfortunately parentaldisrespectus mutated when Jack developed it.  It started slowly, when he got upset that we were going out and demanded that his sitter (who he quite likes) "Go Away!".  Over the weeks to follow our easy going, affectionate little man became a terror.  I immediately began to implement the methods that worked with Molly and they did not work.  They got worse.  Bed time began with over an hour of crying and screaming from Jack, followed by a 2AM stretch where he'd be awake and inconsolable for at least an hour, hellbent on climbing into bed with Chris and I.  By morning everyone was exhausted and patience was thin as I endured karate kicks to the chest and screams of "Go Away" as I tried to get him dressed.  He'd throw things, pinch, cry, holler and hurt my feelings immensely as he'd scream about wanting daddy, to go back to bed and told me to go away.  Exhausted, I was being a tyrant to both of them: when Molly's only crime was being overtired because her brother screamed all night.  The more time-outs we doled out the worse he got.  It didn't help that Molly offers running commentary including, "Jackie's being naughty.  He hurt mama's feelings.  Jackie needs a time-out".  I'm fairly certain he's going to clock her pretty soon.

The other morning after Chris had to take over our morning routine with Jack because I was so angry and frustrated he turned to me and said, "You know he doesn't mean it right?  He's three."  I knew it, but somehow I needed to hear it from someone else.  I don't speak baby, but I do speak English and his words were really hurting me, even though he doesn't understand cause he's freaking three!

Our one sized fits all solution for "Go Away" wasn't going to work for Jack because drum roll here: He and Molly are very different people.  I began my research.  Jack has always been such an easy going fellow that you literally forget about him, so he has been feeding off of this negative attention lately.  This combined with bad sleep and the weird phenomenon that both of my children are pretty jerky whenever they are about to achieve some sort of milestone has been particularly terri-bad.

So I found some great research on dealing with different phases with your kids and why they throw tantrums and have gleaned the following:

• Don't acknowledge bad behaviour, just walk away
  This took a ton of self-restraint yesterday when I asked Jack to put his sun hat on and he threw a ball at my face, twice.  As we work on perfecting the walk away, Jack has started to chase us, which I think shows it's working.
• Yelling back or attempts to minimize tantrums make them last longer
  I know this but it's really hard to stay calm and not scream back, "WE DON'T HIT PEOPLE" at the top of your lungs when you've been pinched, hit or kicked.
• The part of the brain that regulates emotion and allows kids to control social behaviour is the last to develop and doesn't begin to develop at all until four
  I have at least thirteen more months of this, yippee! 
• The average tantrum lasts three minutes
  So if you're going nuts...put on some music...the average pop song lasts 3-5 minutes.

I keep reminding myself "This is only a phase!" again and again, however I would rank this as the third most painful child rearing experience so far.  The only things worse have been daycare illness and colic. One day we'll look back at this and laugh, although I'm pretty sure that day won't be tomorrow.


I have been nominated for Voiceboks 2014 Multiple Parenting Blog Awards - If you have a moment to spare: Click Here Now and cast your vote for Multiple Momstrosity #27, it's the little heart icon that pops up in the top right hand corner that registers a vote NOT clicking on the photo.  If you follow any of the other blogs or enjoy them like say HDYDI (#21) you can vote for them too - you can vote for up to five different blogs daily.