Angry Chair

There are these rare instances as a parent when I think inside my head: this really could be a defining moment for me as a mom.  In these split seconds of time I have found myself, truthfully quite arrogantly, thinking that these are the experiences when my clay (aka the minions) are really going to start to take form.

This weekend I had one of those moments when Chris and I both masterfully handled a teachable moment with Molly, then two days later I ended up feeling like a complete and utter terrible mom after I received some additional information about the possible root of  "the shopping incident".  That being said, I'm pretty sure, even in retrospect I'd handle things the exact same way.

Molly needed some spring clothes.  We headed out to Once Upon A Child to get some gently used clothes for her and to look for a couple of items for her brother.  She and I looked around together first and picked out clothes for her.  I dropped those off to Chris and Jack who were playing in the toy aisle and mentioned that I was going to look for shoes for Jack, one of the only items on his list. Molly demanded that I look for shoes for her instead.  I explained to her that she didn't need shoes and that Jack did.  She started to whine, this escalated to a cry and Chris and I both, somewhat patiently explained to her how lucky she was to have lots of nice things and how she should be appreciative.  She took it up a notch and cried louder, an escalating sound piercing enough that we were starting to get attention from other shoppers in the store.

Daddy helping her into a new dress at Christmas.

Chris turned to Molly and slowly, deliberately and calmly stated, "You need to learn to appreciate just how lucky you are.  If you keep crying about what you don't have I'm putting one of the items that you and mommy picked out back on the shelf and we will not be buying it."  Unfortunately and somewhat predictably this did not have the calming effect that he was hoping for. It was as if he'd activated the "go ape sh%$t bananas" button and we were faced with the biggest tantrum we have seen from either child in over a year.  Molly began screaming in hysterics, "I WANT EVERYTHING FOR ME!" and other catch phrases that appeared to be pulled straight from the script of Mean Girls at the top of her lungs and sobbing uncontrollably.  We briefly tried to settle her, but shortly after Chris picked her up and took her for a time out in the car, leaving Jack and I in the store to fend for ourselves.

For a split second I debated not buying Molly any of the clothes as punishment for her poor behaviour, but quickly determined that the only people this would really punish would be Chris or I who would have to go out again to find suitable children's attire at another time.  Instead I bought everything, but when I went out to the car pretended I had only made purchases for Jack.  When I got to the car, Molly was still in hysterics.

When we made a stop, Chris tried to talk to her, at which point she demanded that both Chris and I apologize for making her sad.  We both suppressed our scoffs and laughter.  After some quiet time at home she apologized to both of us and said that she wouldn't act like that again.  She also asked if we could go shopping the next day, to which we said no, maybe some other time.

For the rest of the weekend, and since the meltdown she has been on her best behaviour.  The other night she asked me when her next Mommy and Molly date day was and I assured her that we'd have one soon (it is her turn for a date day this month).  At daycare I spoke to her ECE worker about the "shopping incident".  She told me that Molly has been fairly unhappy at daycare for a few weeks now, as Jack continues to bond with Molly's former best friend and that she's been having a tough time coping. She also agreed with our decision to try to get the minions in separate classes for kindergarten in the fall, but that's still four months away which is still nearly 10% of her life away.

This is where Chris and my thoughts on the matter differ.  Chris believes the shopping incident was purely isolated and a selfish "id" moment.  I am on the same page as her ECE worker who sees a connection to other incidents.

I actually believe I owe Molly an apology.  I wish I spent more time with Molly than I do so I could more easily read why she's freaking out.  I am going to apologize to her for not finding out what was wrong and for not digging further.  I am going to cuddle her and let her know that I know what it's likes to feel left out.  I am also going to remind her that several months ago she was doing the EXACT SAME THING TO HER BROTHER.  I guess I focused on the wrong teachable moment.

To read about dealing with the terrible twos tantrums click here.

To read about behaving badly for dad click here.

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Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow

When we were expecting Molly and Jack, and even when they were our two sweet infants, Chris and I smugly spoke about the things that we would never do as parents.  One thing that sticks out in my mind is when parents say, "I love you, but I certainly don't like you right now."  Chris and I scoffed that we would never utter those words to our little ones....and we haven't, yet.  But this weekend was the closest I've ever come to saying something like this to one of the kids.

We've been trying to allow the minions to go free-range when, in public. The minions free-range status is based on a three strike system.  This weekend at the grocery store Miss Molly insisted that she wanted to walk and help us shop and for the first ten minutes of our trip she was great, then things started to unravel.  First she asked me if I would carry her, which in my experience is the launch code towards detonation of "the Molly Bomb" and you have roughly five to ten minutes to deactivate or evacuate.  I suggested that she jump into the shopping cart with her brother, but she wasn't having it. Next she started running ahead of me and bumping into other people and their carts like a demented pinball.   I asked her to stop, so she rolled around on the floor.  Then when I asked her to stand up, she started crawling and informed me that she was a horse.  I gave her another warning and she then started licking products on the shelf.  Finally her dad and I picked her up and strapped her into the grocery cart beside her brother who was calmly playing with Chris' car keys at this point "the Molly bomb" went off.

She started thrashing, screaming and crying uncontrollably for over ten minutes.  Chris suggested I disengage.  He manned the cart while I started running and grabbing the remaining items on our list. In line she upped her game.  She began yelling and screaming about how no one in the family loved her.  ABSOLUTELY NO ONE HAS EVER UTTERED ANYTHING EVEN CLOSE TO THESE WORDS TO HER, ever and she was screaming this, loudly, over and over again while we stood in line captive to her tantrum.

I was embarrassed, I was hurt, I was mortified and I felt completely helpless in the wake of "the Molly bomb".  After spending so much time as parents encouraging our kids to talk to us, to tell us what's wrong when they're upset, it's problematic that the entire time I stood in line at the grocery store it took a ton of strength to not yell, "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!" at the top of my lungs.

I hate being embarrassed. In public situations like this all I want to do is run away, but I know I have to get over this because these are the times when we need to teach our kids coping skills.

Here are some things that I researched (and know from logic) that may help when you have a three year old screaming in your face.

1. You are an adult, they are the child.  Try not to take what they are saying to heart.  When you are calm (and they are no longer going ape-crap crazy) use this situation as a learning tool to explain to them how words can hurt feelings.
2. Even though you feel like everyone is staring at you and judging you, they probably aren't staring at you and judging you (okay maybe they are) but feeling ashamed and worrying about the opinions of others isn't going to make the "incident" go away, it's only going to raise your anxiety level and make things worse. 
3. Remember they're trying to tell you something (even though 90% of the time it's probably - I need a snack or I need a nap).  Afterwards talk to them about being angry and the various levels of anger. (i.e. I was annoyed when you were rolling on the floor.  I was cross when you started licking items on the shelf of the grocery store and I was incensed when you started screaming that nobody loves you).
4. Have a plan.  Even if it's a time out and a conversation when the "incident" is over.
5. Keep in mind that you love them....even if you don't always like them.  Once we were in the car, and post time out, we gave Molly a hug and reassured her that we love her so much.

What's the meanest thing your kid has ever said to you?  What about your parental word regrets?

To read about the time that I vowed to never go grocery shopping again click here

To read about positive discipline click here

No Son of Mine

I've had the Phil Collins song No Son of Mine stuck in my head for days now. I blame two people: 1) my grade seven music/French teacher who made us analyse and perform the song because she had an unhealthy obsession with Phil. 2) Jack who has taken over the crown of "evil twin" for a couple of weeks now.* His recent behaviour seems really out of character and is directed mostly at Chris.

There has been a shift in the powers that be in our household over the past few weeks. It started off slowly, Molly eased up on the tantrums and focused her efforts on "helping". She genuinely enjoys tidying, carrying and bringing us things and we are ecstatic.** Miss Molly has slowed her efforts in the tantrum department and seems to understand, as well as a two year old can, that whining does not get you anything.    The tantrum sabbatical is appreciated and noted.

We had about two days of peace until it happened.   The thing that I'd been warned about by other twin parents, they switched. At daycare pickup I was informed that Jack gets really upset when other kids around him fight.  Understandable, but instead of trying to break it up he acts like a wrestler and starts throwing chairs. The chair launching continued at home.  Whenever he got frustrated he'd pick up a chair and toss it. In other feats of strength  "Rowdy Roddy Piper" has also been pushing our giant coffee table around the floor just to show he can.*** When we reprimand him and give him time outs, Miss Molly is right behind us wagging her finger in Jack's face saying, "No Jack, All Done Jack, All Done." I'm kind of worried she's going to be the recipient of a folding chair in the back of the head for her need to repeat parental messaging with a finger pointed two inches away from his face.****

 Perhaps some taber tossing of the see-saw is in order?

The other day Jack was playing with the channel changer, trying to figure out the concept of how batteries work. Chris sat nearby and supervised as Jack took the batteries in and out of the remote to make sure he wasn't going to eat them or hurt himself. The remote was confiscated when Jack wanted to see how well dad's BBQ chips would work as an energy source and began cramming them into the battery compartment. After Chris took the remote, Jack flipped out. He chased Chris around the house trying to hit him. We were on our way out the door so Chris wanted to avoid the usual time-out because we were already running late.  Big mistake. Parenting short-cuts often bite us.

Jack was determined to punish Chris. He went back into the media room and grabbed a handful of Chris's records, took them into the kitchen and started whipping them on the floor at Chris's feet.***** As he hurled a German Drinking Songs record onto the floor, directly in front of Chris I couldn't help but feel a little proud. What he was doing was smart, albeit mean. It was near impossible not to laugh. The following day when Jack threw a chair we gave him a time out. During time-out he learned how to scale the wall of his crib, busted into the washroom and started to run himself a bath. There's a new evil genius in the house.  Molly better watch her back, literally.


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*No one is planning on leaving in a dramatic fashion, however we do have trains running behind our house frequently, similar to the noises in the beginning of Phil's "masterpiece".
**Clearly we wanted carrier pigeons not children and misunderstood how things would work as parents.
***I think that he's trying to intimidate us.
****Not that our house is ripe with stadium seating.
*****It was kind of reminiscent of the record Zombie scene from Shaun of the Dead, but with a lot less apathy.