Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Vomit On My Sweater, Mom's Spaghetti

I have often (even before I was pregnant) heard people talk about how multiple trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night were nature's way of preparing you for sleepless nights with an infant.  The thing is, I've always had mad bladder control and even in the late weeks of pregnancy my bladder didn't keep me up at night.  Acid reflux and heart burn kept me up. My daughter punching my rib cage kept me awake. My son trying to claw his way out of my belly from the inside disturbed my slumber. Nausea and leg cramps woke me up. The boiling heat of July and August made me restless.  And finally a jealous cat who didn't like my "pregnancy smell" and urinated on me several times in the first half of pregnancy to show me how he really felt kept me awake at night.

I have a different theory about what prepares you for life with babies.The utterly disgusting things that your body does while pregnant prepares you for life with an infant (or infants in my case).  The leaking, the constipation, the vomiting is not in vain, it's to get you ready for parenthood cause babies don't always smell like baby powder.

One night, in the first month home with Molly and Jack,  we heard a horrifying scream from the nursery.  It was Chris's turn to investigate, so I was a little annoyed when he rushed back into the bedroom and flipped on the light laughing, "You have to come check this out." I got out of bed and stumbled down the hallway to find my very upset son covered in vomit and my daughter sound asleep beside him.  Only it wasn't his vomit - it was hers, there was a very clear path where she had turned, spewed and then gone back to sleep.  I'd cry too if someone threw up on me and then passed out.

There was also a period of time (before we learned our lessons) where right before a big event, wedding, work party etc. one or both children would throw up or defecate on one or both of us.*  I now have the babysitter arrive at least twenty minutes before I have to leave for an event to avoid barf hair.  If I manage to get dressed early I put on my Cooking With Christopher Walken Apron over my clothes until it's time to go.**  My husband has been particularly unlucky getting a dress shirt sleeve full of poo at least three times.

My husband, Chris****, is a germaphobe (major understatement) and I didn't know how he'd handle babies sneezing in his face, but so far he's done very well.  Last week when teething Molly drooled directly into his mouth he didn't stick his fingers down his throat and pour rubbing alcohol in just to kill the rest of his germs.  I was amazed.  Then at dinner he did the unthinkable, he offered me a taste of his soup****, I don't know if it was to prove a point, if he's really over the germ thing or if he's finally realized he's fighting a losing battle.

Finally, a friend of mine was having a tough time at work, so to cheer her up I told her a little bit about my Monday morning:

While you are waking up and begrudging a Monday morning remember that I just finished cleaning my son's feces off of my cleavage and night gown....yeah that's right...so if you're having a bad day, just think...when I first came into work today, did my boss literally take a crap, step on it and then kick it onto my chest?   Cause my boss just did.  And then he laughed maniacally.

*I now can't count the number of times where a friend visiting the house has pointed out vomit in my hair. 
**Yes I really own an apron with Christopher Walken flying on it, and yes Christopher Walken has always wanted to have his own cooking show.  Don't believe me - Google Christopher Walken Cooking - your life will never be the same again.
***Not of the Walken variety, unfortunately.
****This is a huge deal.  Chris will not share soup or cereal and often forms a wall of cereal boxes in front of him when eating breakfast because he can't handle anyone watching him eat cereal or the threat of them shoving their spoons into his bowl.  I often imagine him growing up in a house with a giant communal cereal bowl that has led him to this insane level of paranoia.

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