Thursday, 14 March 2013

Pop Goes the World

Dear Eddie Bauer,

I don't want to alarm you*, but your engineers are sticking it to some of your customers - parents specifically.  I haven't had much experience with your brand, until I became a parent.  I was a big fan of your backpacks in the 1990's and begged my parents to purchase me one for back to school when I was 15 years old.  Unfortunately they felt that $60 was too much to pay for a backpack and opted for a cheaper $17 Bi-way model instead.**

When we became parents we inherited three Eddie Bauer products (yeah sorry this isn't even a complaint from a paying customer).  Your pack and play playpen is the bomb.  It folds down quickly and fits in our tiny trunk easily.  It works well for travel, camping, play and creates an excellent confinement space (aka the naughty corner) for time-outs.

Miss Molly camping in one of our playpens (ironically) not the Eddie Bauer One.

We also received two Eddie Bauer Car Seats that we thought were identical.  They were not.  One model is a normally functioning car seat with a standard issue seat belt, the other model has a special feature that appears to hold no purpose besides making life more difficult for the parent trying to get their toddler into their car seat securely and quickly.  The problematic model has a special feature which makes the seat belt impossible to fasten until you are able to put two puzzle piece shaped metal fasteners together in a specific order before you are able to click the belt into place.  This puzzle piece function does not provide extra security on the belt, making it more difficult for the child to escape, it simply comes apart constantly while I try to fasten it as Molly does pelvic thrusts causing the puzzle pieces to break apart and me to have to start over again.  Since when do parents need it to be more difficult to leave their house with toddlers?***

This past weekend Chris and I made a stop at the liquor store on the way to a friend's house.  Chris ran in to grab the wine while I sat in the car "supervising" the minions.  The children were bored so I gave Jack a set of plastic keys to play with and Molly a foam stress ball in the shape of a globe that I had received at a conference. 

A moment later, while I was rocking out to the sweet sounds of Falco's, Rock Me Amadeus on the radio I heard the distinct sound of Molly choking.  I quickly reacted: swept her mouth once, pulled her out of her car seat and removed giant chunks of the foam globe that she had consumed.  My daughter choked while attempting to eat the world - at least she dreams big.  I had saved the world, however Molly was now furious with me for 1) removing the tasty foam globe from her airways and 2) taking the globe away from her.  As I tried to return her to the confines of her car seat, my normally docile and somewhat housebroken toddler began screaming and bucking like a wild bull while I tried to fasten two stupid puzzle pieces together to get her safely into her car seat.  I broke a nail, I pinched my skin, and hers (which made her even more pleasant) and I had a ton of blue and green foam earth in my hair.

After nine tries I was able to get her into her car seat safely, although she was still screaming as I wouldn't give her the earth back. 
I want you to pass the following message on to your engineers: What is wrong with you?  Have you never heard of market testing? YOU SUCK!


*Upon further research I have discovered that although Eddie Bauer was a real person he passed away in 1986, so this letter is over 15 years too late. 
**It was probably for the best because my mother would have lost her mind when I professed my love for Nine Inch Nails in white out on said $60 backpack.
***Since never you sick sadistic engineering bastards!

1 comment:

  1. I thought we were the only ones who dealt with that crazy puzzle piece car seat. That's exactly how we described it, puzzle piece buckle.