The Mean Girl vs The Doormat

When Molly was a toddler she was what many parents call 'spirited'.  She knew what she wanted and wasn't afraid to ask for it, and if that failed demand it.  She lead like a pint sized Queen with her favourite ECE workers doting on her like loyal subjects.  I remember her entering junior kindergarten surprised, and almost offended that her teacher refused to put a 'fancy' braid in her hair the way her favourite pre-school teacher did, daily.  Another time, at around age three or four, a child at a swimming lesson jumped in the pool to retrieve a pool noodle (no he couldn't swim) because Molly had told him too.

Image via Giphy

For a while we were worried we had a blossoming Mean Girl, Regina George type on our hands.  We focused our lessons on politeness, manners, and kindness based leadership skills.  Important school programs like Roots of Empathy and Friendship Circle have helped develop a fierce sense of kindness in Molly.  She is the first person to want to help someone who is hurt, lonely, or just needs a friend.  She makes me so proud with the amazingly sweet person she is.

In Senior Kindergarten we noticed the impact of some cliquey girl stuff going on, and how Molly as a people pleaser was miserable.  There were a few lessons learned on standing up for herself, and speaking out for herself and others.  With all of the anti-bullying teaching going on, I thought my kids got it and that we were over this hurdle.

 Kids are pretty black and white when it comes to rules, whether they're in a game or social.  The other day Molly mentioned that in order for something to be bullying it had to happen every day.  Bullying is also pestering, exclusion, teasing, threatening, and so much more cloak and dagger than we can cover in a simple junior school curriculum - no matter how many pink shirts you wear for anti-bullying.  It can happen once in a blue moon, making it unpredictable, confusing, and an early marker for toxic relationships.

via The Knot

Last night Molly was in tears for an hour before bed because another kid was 'annoying her' and wouldn't leave her alone despite numerous calm and polite requests for this kid to back off.  Her solution was to offer them money to leave her alone. After I forbade her to buy her way out of a problem in a weird self-created extortion scenario she began to panic about conflict, people not liking her, and shared a jumble of other anxiety riddled fears.

I want to teach my kids to be resilient and problem solvers, but I don't want them to feel unheard.  As a former sufferer of extreme middle school bullying it's tempting to go Mama Bear and bulldoze.  Here's hoping we can constructively work to guide our kids to figure out ways to tell people to leave them alone that aren't rude or bullying themselves and that don't involve emptying piggy banks or faking sick from school.