Friday, 3 May 2013

Mamma Mia

Mother's Day is just over a week away.  This means that after yet another 12 months of parenthood I know that I have a lot more to apologize for.  Not only do I have my own infant/toddler antics to repent for, I have strife caused by my progeny to add to this list. 

The Third Member of our "Wolf Pack", she likes to play by her own rules

Dear Mom,

  • For all of the things I made you miss when I was sick, including that trip to Hawaii when I had the measles.
  • For throwing up on you, repeatedly.  I had weeks this year where the vomit on mom count broke double digits.
  • About anything that you ever had to throw out because I threw up on it and made it smell terrible permanently.
  • That Jack smashed the candle holder chachkie (that our family called a pookie) you've had in your living room since I was his age.
  • That after searching on line for a replacement "pookie" I made a point of letting you know what I found on line when I tried to buy a pookie*.
  • For any jewelry I forcibly tore off of you're body and in turn destroyed.
  • I pretended to be upset when you left me with a babysitter to get a reaction/guilt you and then immediately calmed down the moment you were out of sight.
  • For scratching, hitting, biting, and clawing you.
  • About any time I waited until I had a fresh diaper to take a dump.
  • If I had any fascination with grabbing at my feces while you attempted to change my diaper.**
  • For getting angry any time you didn't take my tantrums seriously.***
  • Sleepless nights
  • Getting you sick when I got sick.
  • My kids get you sick when you help me out, so I can keep a job and a life.
  • For crying, ranting and raving on the phone and in person about how insane my children are, even though I know that they're just like me.

P.S. I'm still not sorry for wearing black lipstick as a teenager.

To see last year's apology blog click here

*Urban definitions of a pookie: 1) Soaking tampons in alcohol and inserting them, either vaginally or rectally, in order to get drunk, 2) or a pipe used to smoke methamphetamine
**Bonus, additional apologies if you were just about to go out anywhere when I did this.
***Because come on, toddler tantrums are ridiculous and hilarious.

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