Monday, 29 April 2013

Smells Like Teen Spirit

When I was four and a half months pregnant an employee of Subway accused me of trying to steal an ice tea from the shop.  In a fog of rage induced hunger*, caused by severe constant morning sickness, peppered with rare moments when I was actually able to eat: I surrendered to my hormones.  I threw my purse over the counter and asked the employee if he wanted to frisk a pregnant lady.  I huffed and I puffed and then I screamed some more.  He refused to acknowledge or search anything, mainly because he thought I was insane.  This was one of the first of many changes that I encountered as I morphed from thirty something pregnant woman into MOM.

Many moons ago I gave birth to my lovely minions.  Almost 21 months to be exact.  I was told that it could take up to two years for some of the changes pregnancy thrust upon my body to go back to "normal".  I don't know if I believe the experts any more because if this is true my body is going to experience something akin to Puberty Part 2 over the next 100ish days.  To any of you hopeful pregnant or post-pregnant folks, I'm sorry, some things haven't gone away, but maybe if we think of it as super powers it won't seem so horrifying.

These two idiots are blissfully unaware that they will become parents in exactly 9 months.

Your Hips Expand, But So Does Your Heart
I understand this is a natural way to help you labour your child(ren), however 21 months later only one of my hips has returned to it's semi normal position. The other one, about two and a half inches wider than the other.

You Smell Terrible, But Don't Worry No One Can Get Within Three Feet of You Anyway
Around month six of pregnancy I started to smell more, because it was summer, and I was carrying an extra 35lbs of baby junk in my trunk.  Fast forward two years.  I am running around after two forces of fury who spit up on me, get feces on me and make me sweat - a lot. 

Super Keen Pregnancy Smelling Sense
Remember when you're pregnant and you get that super smelling "Spidey sense"?  Yeah mine never went away, so now I'm very acutely aware that I smell like feces, vomit and sweat.  Thankfully I have an arsenal of defunkifying products in my purse that rival any drug store.

I'll let you know if I become a symmetrical, deodorized version of myself in the coming months, but I'm not holding my breath or my stomach in any more.  And if anyone wants to join me at Subway - the ice tea is on me.

*Also known as hanger (Anger induced by hunger).

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